1-2-3 Magic, Discipline |
I thought I'd write an article about this discipline method because I get so many requests to explain it. It's an alternative to spanking and is a lot like the time-out method.
We started using this discipline method about 2 years ago. Our oldest son, who was 3 at the time, was getting impossible. I'm ashamed to admit I even spanked him a few times. Of course I felt guilty after and vowed never to do it again. We were in a constant power struggle with him until I found information about "1-2-3 Magic".
"1-2-3 Magic" involves counting your child for bad behavior. For example, your child talks back to you...you say "That's 1". They do it again, you say "That's 2", and again you say "That's 3, Take 5" (or 1 minute per age of the child). Hitting is an automatic time-out. The book suggested to give the time-out in the chills bedroom but this did not work for us. Our son would actually wreck his room!! So we modified it to better suit our family. We give these time-outs on a kitchen chair where we can keep an eye on them. The book also suggested that it is important to say nothing else when you are counting your child. I know I've done this before...you go on and on about something and your child just tunes you out. I do think its important to explain to your child after the time-out why he or she had one. This discipline method should be used for 'stop behavior' not 'start behavior'. For example, a 'start behavior' is if you want your child to start cleaning his/her room. A 'stop behavior' is sassing, hitting, whining, etc.
We find this method works great with our three boys ages 5, 3 1/2, and 2 (although we haven't used it on our 2 year old yet!). We have noticed a significant difference with our oldest son. He's even given himself a time-out just to cool down. I find this method gives BOTH the child and parent a chance to cool down. I know I've needed it to calm myself a few times! Spanking is done out of frustration and teaches our children that hitting is okay.
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tracei | January 14, 2008 at 3:22 am - §
I love this metod because it works so very well with my young one not only that the daycare that I use uses the same metod
Lesley | June 3, 2008 at 10:16 pm - §
I just read your article and I too am at the end of my frustration with my almost-3 year old daughter. Constant power struggle between us and her and we don't see an end to it in the near future. I am desperate to find another way to effectively and positively discipline our daughter without it resulting in a quick tap on the bottom when we get so frustrated with her. My only problem though would be that when putting her on "time out," she refuses to stay put until the end. We've tried the corner, her bed, sitting on a mat and even sitting in a chair within our view. Any suggestions on how I can get her to stay put until the end of her time out?
Tonia | June 16, 2008 at 2:26 pm - §
this is for Lesley.....I have read and read that if your child refuses to stay put until the end of the time out, that you just, without saying a word, keep putting them on the spot or in the chair, until they stay the entire time. they may be bawling their eyes out and pitching a fit, but eventually they'll learn that you are the boss. unpleasant but effective.
Noelle | July 22, 2008 at 10:44 pm - §
I was spanked as a child, constantly yelled at and I find myself doing the same for my daughter. It's horrible for both of us and the worst part is, it never works. I am at my wits end. I will give 1-2-3 magic a go. What about public places? She always throws a fit at public places. It makes me afraid to take her anywhere. Help! Anyone! Thanx in advance.
Sarah | September 3, 2008 at 9:12 pm - §
For Noelle, I've heard that in public places you find a corner or a bench would do to, to give them their "take 5". If you are unsure about doing it in public get it established at home first, then she will know what to expect. I've read that when this is started that the child could get worse for a time until you've established that this is the way it's going to be.
Suzie | September 10, 2008 at 4:05 pm - §
I saw the mention of this book and am willing to try anything myself since my daughter of 3 yrs is getting impossible !!! My only concern is that she gets so wild and screams to the point of peeing herself..how can I stop this behaviour ? I read that this is a control tactic because she feels out of control herself. Any advice would be greatly appreciated !!Suzie
LaceyMarie | September 28, 2008 at 10:25 pm - §
I am familiar with this program, I use it with my son, and it works beautifully. I wanted to add that the basic premise is that discipline be:1. unemotional2. brief3. consitant
jennifer | October 16, 2008 at 8:19 am - §
I was priveledged enough to take this course when my child was small. truthfully i thought to myself, how could this possible work...well my son is 4 1/2 and it is MAGIC. I cannot express how simple it is, and it works. My husband now realizes its worth and asked me how its done. He would see the difference in how i told my son. "that's one" and my son rarely got to "that's two", and my son listened. whereas my husband would get into this well overdrawn arguemnet with him, then finally after frustration ask me to tell him to stop. It really works. We now share the same technique and things are sooo much easier.Jennifer
carolla | October 26, 2008 at 5:10 pm - §
My kids are now both in their 20s - we used 1-2-3-Magic in our family and it was amazing! Consistency is the key. The kids responded to it for many years beyond when I thought they might opt out!
Gabe Maerov | November 19, 2008 at 4:43 pm - §
When our 3-and-half-year old daughter refuses to do what we ask she lets out this terrible whiney "I don't want to" If for instance we say she needs to wear a sweater over her T-shirt to go outside because it is cold out and she doesn't want to - what are we to do. I have physically put on her sweater to screaming resistance. Her "I don't want to" shows up in other situations. If I say fine, go outside with just a T-shirt on is this a form of 'giving in'? Any suggestions on links or what I may do to have our daughter do what we ask of her?
Stephanie | January 16, 2009 at 3:15 pm - §
I would take any positive advice to discipline our 3 1/2 year old daughter, especially to get her to stay in her bed for nap time and bed time. Every day/night when we put her to bed she automatically gets out and plays or tells us no when we tell her to go to bed and no out. What can we do?
Jen | February 4, 2009 at 11:28 pm - §
I have been using this for two years with my daughter almost, she is almost four now. The first time she did the age in minutes time out she destroyed her room lol. After that she just cried. Now she just plays and when i tell her time out is over she doesn't want me to inturupt her alone time...its kinda cute. Anyways now by the time i get to two she is already running to do what she is told so maybe ends up with one time out each month. :):) If I hadn't thought up this idea on my own i would have been bowing at ur feet:) good job to let other moms at the end of their wits know about this nifty trick:):)
Amanda | February 11, 2009 at 11:28 am - §
I use the one two three method and my son never lets me get to three I say..lets go then I will give him a break and Say two..Come now, do you want me to get to three lol he says no and runs over hahaha it works every time
Charmaine | February 12, 2009 at 9:02 am - §
My mother used to count to 3. But she never got there. She would count 1, 2, 2 1/2, 2 3/4, etc. She was very good at fractions and we were very good at being mischievous. Of course we would eventually do what we were supposed to. I am going to start implementing this (minus the fractions) with my 2yr old. I think the key is following through. Right now she usually thinks time out is a joke. I just keep putting her back.
LIndsay | February 26, 2009 at 10:32 pm - §
My son is 4 1/2. I have been in a power struggle since his sister was born 20 months ago. Right after she was born he started to hate everyone around, wouldn't listen and started tantrums. It got even worse when his brother came 8 months ago. Now he's started hitting, punching and pinching her for no reason. i do use the time- out method and I have sone the counting to three. But he just laughs and walks away. The putting him back in time out worked really well until I was pregnant with his brother, and he had a growth spirt (he's 54 lbs) and now he's impossible to move. He knows that if he lays on the floor I can't pick him up. I really need some great advice. I need to stop the violent fights between us and his siblings. HELP!!
Alefya | March 17, 2009 at 5:09 pm - §
i have 8 and 6 yrs old still don;t like each other and my son is 6 and he hits her sister al lot i have tried everything to stop him.........and everyday in the morning they don't want to get up for school and doesn't want to go to the washroom first..........please help me
Tammy | May 28, 2009 at 7:46 am - §
I can say from experiene that this program works really well! Although I have to stress that it takes a great commitment from parents, consistency is the most important key to 1-2-3 Magic, if your not consistent using this method, it probably won't work.To the lady who mentioned public places, you still use the counting, the time-out can be given in a shopping cart, bench or simply taken to the van, this may be an inconvience for us as parents, but a couple times and your child will understand that it can happen anywhere. we may gets some looks from the people around us, but I'm sure we can surivive that.
Theresa | December 8, 2009 at 8:33 pm - §
I am willing to try this because both of my younger children have me at my wits end. But please can anyone tell me how to apply this to misbehavior in the car? A good part of my day with the kids is spent in the car. and that is where our misbehaving starts in the afternoon.
Tamara | January 19, 2010 at 6:00 pm - §
Time out should never be the first step to altering a child's behaviour. I suggest to all these parents to enroll themselves in a two year early childhood education course, or talk to local professionals or colleges if you're willing to focus directly on (what I prefer to call) "positive guidance strategies" rather than "disipline" or "punishment". Not only will these courses help you understand your children developmentally, but you'll learn which methods work best for you, your children, AND positive future relationships and behaviours. A time out is a quick fix, and not a solution to avoid future behavioural issues.
Nadia | March 9, 2010 at 1:50 pm - §
PEOPLE, get the book or the audio CD (I use this for times when I don't have time to read the book, which I find is almost all the time... like when I'm driving, doing chores, etc) of Dr. Phelan's 123 Magic... everything is discussed there, all your questions, situations such as public places, in the car, handling wild children, etc... the idea is to train the kids into behaving the proper way, and during the early years (as many who have wild kids and difficult situations know), it is almost impossible to do this by positive guidance strategies as what Tamara suggests. Besides, does anyone have time to enroll in these courses? I've tried the book, "How To Talk So That Kids Will Listen." It did not work for me ... too many things to remember, plus the strategies don't work all the time, and get the parents frustrated. You might want to look into it for older kids though. Try 123. It hasn't been quite a while yet, but it's working for me. This is not JUST a time out strategy. It gives the child tiime to get his act straight otherwise he gets consequences.
Bev fleming | January 11, 2011 at 11:55 am - §
I have been doing 123 magic for sometime with my 6 year old and now I have a 3 year old. One is a boy and the other is a girl. What does one do when I place her in time out she yells and screams cries. She does not start her time out until it's quiet but it has taken up to 20 mins just to get 3 mins of silence out of her. Does anyone else experience this kind of behavoir. Do I just keep going and hope she will learn?
Frustrated | April 11, 2011 at 9:05 pm - §
I get tired of guilty moms that can't discipline their kids with spanking because they feel bad. It does not teach hitting is OK across the board. My toddler can hit his sister without any teaching! But what it does teach is there is an OW! consequence just like other ones in the list. Losing it is the part that is unhelpful or only using spanking, or beating out of frustration. I was spanked and I certainly don't think that means I can hit people at will. The difference would be, for example, if my parents hit me to cope with their problems. Then I might have picked that up and did the same.
Laurie | May 24, 2011 at 10:45 am - §
I started using 123 when my son was 7, he's 24 now and it still works! Roughhousing with his little sisters one day and all I had to say is one and they all stopped dead. We are starting to use it on our youngest, I know it will work again.
Peter | June 11, 2011 at 9:58 am - §
I have kind of started this but without the counting warning. I will give this version a go. My just-about-3 son recently whacks his infant sister on the head or wakes her every time she takes a daytime nap, spits on the floor, wipes his sneezy runny nose on his mom's pants, and refuses to get dressed after a bath without a struggle. There's more, much more, but let me see how this works.
Leigh-An | June 12, 2011 at 10:11 pm - §
I started using this on my daughter when she was 12 months now 16 months and it works great! I hardly never get to 3. when I do its time out in the play pen.
Sara | June 30, 2011 at 5:13 pm - §
Hi, i have a three year old name nevaeh and she has been pooping in her pants lately, and i dunno why She has been good for the recent months and just started doing it. So now we put her on time out for her pooping in her pants and if she doesnt stay there then it spanking. And i always feel bad about spanking her cuz it does show them that hitting is okay and i never allow her to hit anyone. She doesnt stay on timeouts, she just laughs and says no and just doesnt listen at all. then i just see myself give up and just let her run around naked. I need super nanny. She has never acted this way before and i dunno what to do about it. I still dont understand the 1 2 3 magic. But i have counted down, 1 2 3 okay timeout. and she just laughs and carries on. I dont know what to do anymore its just so frustrating lately. HELP!
kishara | October 2, 2011 at 8:17 pm - §
First I would like to say that I was a spanked kid, and though I clearly know I can't go around hitting people, I DID grow up with a strained relationship with my dad. Spanking your child may work, but for alllll the wrong reasons. I choose to teach my child to cooperate because it's the right thing to do. I want my child to trust me and to feel safe. I am also an Early Childhood Educator (and a darn good one) with over 10 years experience and I am STILL at my witts end with my own son. I have a 3.5 year old and will give this a try. Thanks for all the testimonials.
Stephanie | November 18, 2011 at 8:16 am - §
I've used the counting before with my son when he was younger and i found that it didn't work, but that was because i was constantly talking to him and tying to tell him what he was doing wrong. I have been participating in a parenting course to help me and they say to parise your children whenever they do right. I have began to use 1-2-3 magic with my son who is now turning 9 in a few months. and although its hard when he constantly calls out i just explain that his time out doesn't start until he stops calling out to me. They also say hen the time out is over don't bring up why he had a time out. move on to something else. allow you and your child to do something fun for both of you. It is hard to get into, do doubt abot that, but once you have established the rules with them they will begin to understand. Explain to them (if they are older) what is going to be happening and what behaviors are not going to be tolerated. once they know what to expect they will slowly being to come around. Things will begin to get easier!