A Problem with Praise

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By Laura Davis and Janis Keyser

One of the most important things we do as parents is let children know how special they are. That's our job. There is no one else in the world who is as crazy about our kids as we are. We ooh and aah over them, proclaiming that their wrinkled newborn bodies are the most beautiful things we've ever seen. We cheer them on when they first take on gravity by rolling over that arm that always seems to get stuck underneath. We root for them as they try to hit that ball with that big old plastic bat. The fact that we are excited and proud about the simplest things they do is crucial to children.

Praise is a tool many of us use to let children know that we are excited about their achievements. Many of us work hard to praise our children regularly. Some of us have come from families in which we got very little attention or positive feedback and it has been a big step to learn to praise our children.

Yet certain kinds of praise convey messages we may not want to give:

• Praise can imply a judgment. Words such as "good," "pretty," "nice," and "beautiful imply a comparison. When you can be "good," there is also the possibility of being "bad." When you're "nice," you could also be "mean" or "selfish. When your painting is "pretty" or "beautiful," it could also be "ugly.
• Praise is often conditional. Because children most frequently receive praise for things they "do" or "make," rather than just for being themselves, they can end up wondering if they're okay when they are not "producing" or "achieving.
• Praise focuses on the end result. Praise is often reserved for the culmination of the achievement or the "product," rather than for any part of the process. The struggle, the falling down, the mistakes, the hard work leading up to the achievement are not acknowledged nearly as much.
• Praise is often inaccurate. Praise that is not descriptive of what the child is actually doing can convey to children that we're really not paying close attention. If your child has lined up all her alphabet blocks, and you respond with, "You're such a smart child," she may feel you don't really understand her intent because, in fact, she has just built a train to take all her animals home.
  
  As Francisco recounted: "My daughter had just painted her whole page with dark blue and red. I said to her, 'What a beautiful picture.' She turned to me and said, 'NO, IT'S NOT! IT'S A SCARY PICTURE!'
• Praise emphasizes external validation over internal feelings of satisfaction. Children who have grown accustomed to praise can lose touch with the inherent feelings of accomplishment that come with their achievements. As one father, Keith, recalls: "I was praised too much and ended up feeling like a trained seal. To this day, I want outside acknowledgment for every task, no matter how trivial.
• Praise can lead to competition. When children are taught to rely on external validation for their accomplishments, they often become competitive with siblings and peers, in an attempt to win more of the recognition.

Can't I Say Anything Nice to Her?

This perspective on praise can be difficult to hear. Parents often feel confused when they first hear that the kinds of praise they've used might not be as useful as they thought. These feelings are often expressed in comments like, "Am I just supposed to ignore her accomplishments?" "What about my excitement about her growing and learning?" "Can't I say anything nice to her?

It can be disturbing to think that the way you have celebrated your child's achievements may need to be reconsidered. But there is an excellent alternative to praise: acknowledgment. Acknowledgment is a way to respond to children that is descriptive and non-judgmental, yet it lets you convey your feelings. The basics of acknowledgment are:

• Share your observations. This can include making observations about what you see children doing all along, instead of just when they're done: "You're smearing that blue paint all over the paper." Or, "You're squeezing that play dough so hard it's coming out between your fingers.
• Use descriptive language. When you choose words that are descriptive, rather than evaluative, you let children know that you're really watching. You teach them vocabulary that relates to what they are doing and open up the conversation for their input. Children are free to respond, "Yeah, my picture is all filled up with the blue ocean." Or, "Look, the play dough is even squeezed into my fingernails!
• Ask questions. You can say: "Tell me about your painting." "How did it feel the first time you got up on your skates?" "I see you covering up that box with newspaper. Can you tell me about your project?" Encouraging children to talk about themselves and what they are doing is one of the most powerful kinds of acknowledgment we can give.
• Use body language. Body language is a powerful way to show children that we care, are paying attention, and are excited about them. By watching, smiling, or opening our arms to our children, we convey our interest and enthusiasm.
• Reflect your child's excitement. Occasionally saying things like, "You seem really excited about finishing that puzzle!" or "You look happy to be sharing that toy with Kwan," can support children's feelings of success.
• Express your feelings. Use words that describe your feelings or express your gratitude. "Thank-you for...." "I love to see you..." "It's exciting to see you... "I have fun watching you..." "I appreciate it when you..." These phrases allow you to express your feelings without labeling children.

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