Alone Doesn't Mean Lonely

By Christine Larade

They are gone. The person you have strived to make a life with, work your world around and hold onto has slipped away. Or maybe you're the one. Either way, single parenthood in the beginning is tough. You are grieving the death of something important: love, family and security. In time, you will create a new family, develop new loves and instill your own sense of security. But first, you must learn to not be alone!

At first, the silence was a blessing. It was part of my recovery process. Quiet, peaceful... The denial was over and acceptance was kicking in. But with acceptance comes the Oh-My-God-What-Am-I-Going-To- Do? After the baby was asleep, I would recover from the day. Tomorrow was all I could think about, but yet in this moment of my life, I found myself reaching forward; wanting answers. Will he keep he in touch with her? Will I survive financially? Will she hate me for leaving? How can I take care of her and succeed in my career? Then, I realized that I had to recover from the separation before I could go on. The following is an incomplete recovery checklist that I have benefited from:

Love yourself - and your child

If the smell of discontent and bad memories is strong in your home, leave. After three months of separation, I moved into a small one bedroom and the change happened overnight! The next morning, I sat giggling on the floor of a crammed packed apartment with boxes and baby stuff everywhere. Having your own "things" makes all the difference in the world! If you can't move, try to change something about yourself: hair, clothes, anything. The change will help you and your child through another day! Children blossom when you are content; they need to have stability and love, which means you have to "really" feel that way. 'Cause they know when you're bluffing! It's a domino effect: help yourself, help your child.

Take time to recover

Although you may feel like climbing a very tall mountain, don't go trying to conquer the world the next day. Go back to a time when you were always happy. Remember why you were like that and work towards feeling happy again! Look at yourself emotionally and make a list of the things you could do to help yourself. Be constructive, but not obsessive, about putting your life on track.

One minute at a time

Your first months of work as a Single Mom can be difficult, because you are never giving your 100%. A small part of you is always wondering how the baby is, going over that last fight or wondering about groceries. The recipe for keeping up emotionally and professionally is to communicate. Tell your employers why you are having a bad day and give them advance notice of important court dates or counseling appointments. They'll understand!

A Legacy to Pass On

Walking into the baby's room to find her sitting up for the first time, I was upset to realize that there was no one else in the house to celebrate this new joy! After mentioning this particularly depressing thought to a favorite aunt, she mentioned that writing such events down would not diminish their importance and would provide my daughter with future entertainment! So, I bought a diary and began writing in it whenever there was something I wanted to pass on to her. Someday, she will read how I felt about being a single mother, about her father and my complete devotion to her happiness.

Being a relaxed single parent

Family and friends will support you so use them when necessary. It may be hard to verbalize how you feel to someone who's life is more perfect than yours, but real friends will understand. Stay away from people who will give you the Poor-Dear-Go-To-A-Movie-And-You'll-Feel-Better line! The real comforts of recovery come from communicating with someone; speaking and being heard.

Driving in the car on a particularly stressful day, Jann Arden was singing on the radio. Her words: "I am not lonely, swear to God, I'm just alone" touched my soul, because that was me! I was alone, no partner to hold my hand, but I was not lonely. I had two of the greatest gifts a woman can ask for: my daughter and my freedom. I will succeed because I have learned to appreciate real love, mother and child. I have survived grief and come out stronger and a better person.