Creating the Marriage of Your Dream: Lesson Five

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• Lesson Two
• Lesson Three
• Lesson Four
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Healthy Conflict

By Rabbi Pamensky

Relationships are fiery and passionate and the friction that results is the pathway to closeness. We need to never run away from conflict. We just need to learn the Rules of Engagement for dealing with healthy conflict.

Life Lesson: All Greatness Is Achieved By Fighting Through Challenges

A woman in my marriage workshop recently confided in me that she was worried about the state of her relationship because she and her husband were arguing quite a lot. I reassured her that conflict can be a sign of a healthy marriage because a couple that has no fights has usually given up on their relationship.

Friction is a natural result of two very different people trying to get close to each other. Conflict serves a very important function in the life of a couple. It highlights growth areas in the relationship with a certain degree of urgency. Fights can be a wonderful way of working out the kinks in the marriage. They can also, however, be very destructive.

There are good fights and bad fights. Good fights are when you and your spouse both feel closer to each other afterwards. Bad fights make you feel estranged and distant from each other.

How do fights usually occur? They begin with a discussion, which is a good thing. When the discussion gets heated and passions flare up, this is also a good thing. You are engaged in a healthy communication.

Then, all of a sudden you get a thought in your head, and you know that if you say it, it will blow the lid off of this thing and the gloves will come off. You implore yourself to not say it, “Don’t say it. Don’t say it. Please, don’t say it… Oh, no! Why did you say it?”

At this point, the “fight” begins because anger shows up. Anger is a loss of control preempted by frustration, exasperation or unrealized expectations.

Once anger is introduced the discussion ends. The mistake that couples make that causes long term damage to the relationship is that they try to continue the discussion after one of them is angry. You cannot have a discussion with someone that is out of control.

Anger is a tantrum. You know what it is like when your three year child throws a tantrum. They hurl themselves onto the ground kicking and screaming. Would you ever try and reason with them while they are in the midst of their rant? “Hey Johnny, try and be reasonable. Think about it logically. You already had two cookies. A third one would drive the sugar levels in your bloodstream way to high and you will be too hyper at bedtime. You will then have trouble falling asleep. Doesn’t that make sense?” Johnny has no capacity for listening while he is banging his head on the floor.
Anger is a tantrum too. It just looks a little different in an adult, sometimes. There is no capacity for listening when you are feeling angry. You are out of control. Therefore to continue the discussion would be pointless, or worse, destructive.

Therefore, the only goal of a fight is to create a safe place for the angry person(s) to vent. They need to turn down the heat so that the pot will stop boiling over. Once the anger dissipates, the discussion can resume.

Creating a safe place to vent requires that there are strongly defined parameters to how much you are allowed to vent. Without limits you can cause real, long term damage to your marriage. Your venting should NEVER create fear in your spouse. NEVER!

If you become angry with your boss, you automatically understand there are limits that your anger can expressed in, if you want to keep your job. The same applies to marriage. You have to have your own limits.

Here are few examples of these kinds of limits:

1. No name calling. Your spouse will remember that you called her a _______ for the rest of your married life. She will always think that you think of her that way.
2. No globalizing. Don’t say “never, always or ever”. “You never listen to me.” You always nag.” “All you ever do is complain.” These are hurtful and erroneous labels.
3. Never say the “D” word (divorce). Once you verbalize something it becomes a possibility. This creates an attitude that you don’t really have to work through your issues because when it gets too tough, you can just leave.
4. Never fight in public. Public is defined as anyone else in the room. Anyone! Fighting in public creates a huge chasm in the fundamental trust between husband and wife.

Fights are not bad for a marriage, bad fights are. Good fights are an integral part of a healthy relationship. Just remember to always end the discussion when anger is introduced and create a safe place to vent. You will then use the fire and passion in the marriage to bring you much closer together. All growth in life comes through the way we deal with challenges and marriage is no exception.