Creating the Marriage of Your Dream: Lesson Six

Being a Giver and a Taker

By Rabbi Pamensky

What is love and why is it so important to us? We need to learn how to really give what the other person needs and also how to receive from them without creating unrealized expectations.

Life Lesson: Giving Creates A Loving Feeling

I recently asked an expecting mother if she will love her baby. She looked at me as if I had a few screws loose in my head and exclaimed, “Of course I will!”

“How do you know?” I asked.

“I don’t know, I just will”, she responded.

“Well, maybe he or she will turn out like those kids down the block. You know the ones I mean, real brats. Will you still love your child then?” I pressed.

“It won’t make any difference. I will still love my baby”, she answered, sounding as if she was hoping I would stop asking such dumb questions.

When we think about loving our children, we make a commitment to love them no matter what, even before we meet them. With our spouses, however, our commitment tends to be more conditional. Let us examine this difference and we will gain a few fundamental insights in the nature of love.

Divorce has reached such high levels that people are even beginning to question the validity of the entire institution of marriage. They posture that maybe as times change and people live longer, marriage no longer serves such a constructive purpose.

We never, however, hear of people divorcing their children. One would think logically that if there was a choice between separating from the person that you chose to live your life with (your spouse) and one that was thrust into your life, without knowing the kind of person that they will be (or even their gender), that there would be a higher rate parting between parents and children, then between spouses. Also, children tend to treat their parents in a way that they would not tolerate from any other human being, and they still forgive them wholeheartedly and quickly.

The reason is because of the underlying commitment we make to love our children. Parents will love their children whether they are in school or in prison, in the honor roll or in trouble, awake or asleep. Just think of the wonderful feeling you get when you sneak into their room at night when they are asleep and just watch their angelic faces. You get a warm feeling in your heart. Wow.

Do you remember the last time you came home and found your husband asleep on the couch, with the television blaring and a beer clasped in his hand? Did you get that same warm feeling? Did you stand and just watch in awe his angelic face?

The commitment to love is based on the understanding that what increased the feeling of love is the amount that you give, with a free heart. We give to our children unconditionally and therefore our commitment to them is unwavering. We will love them no matter what. When you are giving freely, you are implanting a piece of yourself in them. The more you give freely, the more of you is in them. The love that we feel is the reconnection to ourselves in them.

One can only love another person to the level that he or she loves themselves. If you want to love someone more, examine how much you love yourself first. Then give to them freely, without the expectation of reciprocation and you will feel the love grow and grow.

Spouses tend to keep score. They measure their love by what the other person does for them. This is a fundamental mistake. We need to be open to let our spouses give to us so that they can make their connection to us. When both partners are committed to unconditional giving, the connection that they will feel, their love, will grow daily.

True giving is providing your spouse with what they need from you, unconditionally. Not what you think or wish they needed. I have a relative who is very generous and gives gifts to my wife and me quite frequently. Unfortunately he gives things that are completely useless for us, like giving steaks to a vegetarian. The intent is always appreciated but the giving is selfish. We need to find out what our spouse wants and needs and then give that, even if we think it is ridiculous.

This giving produces love. This love we can learn from our parenting skills needs to be applied to our marriage as well, and then ultimately, because of the nature of the intimacy of the relationship of marriage, we will experience an intensity of love that is unparalleled in any other relationship.

Love to give and give to love!