Creating the Marriage of Your Dreams: Lesson Three

Being Supportive and Supportable

By Rabbi Pamensky

Tragedy is inevitable. Everybody goes through hard times and loss. When we support each other and allow our spouse to support us, we can deal with any challenges that life throws at us.

Life Lesson: Dealing With Challenges Alone Creates More Pain

Studies have shown that couples claim that money problems, challenges with children, and in-laws are the biggest causes for divorce. These issues may be the catalysts for marital breakdowns, but they are not the cause of it. The reason that these life challenges break up relationships is because couples are missing an essential marital skill: being supportive and supportable.

Life's challenges have the power to bond a couple together very strongly, if they seize the opportunity. The problem is that couples tend to turn on each other, rather then towards each other for support. Somehow, they think that blaming their spouse will somehow make them feel better about the situation.

Blame is a very natural response when one feels helpless and out of control. When a person slips into “victim mode” their entire world starts to look desperate they lash out like a drowning victim grabbing for anything to help keep them afloat. Self-doubt, insecurity, fear, anxiety, anger and stress quickly follow blame creating a perpetuating cycle of tears, arguing and loneliness.

The very people that they should be finding support and help from become the scapegoats that they lash out at, and the contemptuous issue drives a wedge between them. They tend to argue about the problem incessantly, going around and around in circles, never resolving it and creating mountains of resentment and loathing along the way.

The reason why the issue never seems to get resolved is because the issue is very rarely the actual cause of the marital problem. It highlights the dysfunctional patterns that the couple has fallen into when they try to tackle their issues.

Remember, human beings are social animals. We need connection just as much as we need water, food and air. Facing life challenges alone always exasperates whatever issues we are facing. We can overcome nearly any test given to us when do it together with our spouse. This process of using life's issues at a means of bonding to each other, creates the mortar that is necessary for building a long-term stable relationship.

When we are undergoing a difficult time, we naturally look for our spouse to support us in the way that we need. When our spouse falls short of their appointed task, we tend to transfer all of our fear and anger on them. It is a more tangible issue that can be dealt with. We get confused, thinking that if we lash out at our spouse for not being supportive, it will make us feel better about the issue that created this pain in the first place.

We then drag up countless of other times that our spouse has let us down, going way into the past to find examples. We get fearful that the future will be the same and we worry that we will be stuck in a marriage with insensitive boar forever!

This natural tendency to pile on, both past and future stresses to the issue at hand, makes this problem seem insurmountable. We then spend most of our energy repairing the self imposed damage that had nothing to do with the initial issue.

Here are five tools for creating an environment of supportability in marriage and for breaking through the negative patterns that make matters worse.

1. Create the awareness that blame is merely venting. It's sole function is to release the stress and pressure within the person who is doing the blaming. It is a type of adult tantrum. So, let your spouse vent, don't take what they are saying too seriously, and resume the conversation after they have calmed down.
2. Reassure each other that you are in this thing together. Keep telling each other that it is the two of you versus the world. Reiterate to each other that you have got each others' back, and that together you can beat this thing.
3. Talk to each other about the difference between life issues and marital issues. Strife in everyday life feels stressful,but try not to carry those stressed into the marriage. Learn to clarify the differences between these stresses together, and share your unique perspective with your spouse.
4. Try and be open about what you are feeling. If your monetary pressures are creating confused thinking, tell your spouse. If your children's problems are making you feel overwhelmed, tell your spouse. These feeling always pass on their own if you identify them, communicate them and then leave them alone. Piling stress on stress creates a very complicated mess to untangle.
5. Resolve to create a shared journey of understanding and learning about the issue at hand. Make a commitment to make an informed decision how to resolve the issue, and to not jump into an emotional reaction. Research different solutions and share the information with you spouse. Respect your spouse's insights and most importantly, always create a mutually agreed upon decisions on how to proceed to resolve your issue

This essential life skill of being supportive and supportable will be modeled by your children when they see you doing it. It is a key ingredient to their basket of life skills they will need to take on whatever challenges that life throws at them.