Creating the Marriage of Your Dreams: Lesson Two

Related Content

• Lesson One
• Lesson Three
• Lesson Four

Having a Plan

By Rabbi Pamensky

Once we have each committed to our personal growth, we can then begin to grow together as a team. We need to understand what the purpose of marriage is and how to achieve it together.

Life Lesson: A Goal Without A Plan Is Just A Wish

Have you caught yourself asking "Is this all there is?" about your marriage? You may have a nice family, great kids, a nice home and a pleasant intimate life, but you can still feel that something is missing. This is especially true if you are feeling any lacking in these other areas of life.

The "is this all there is" feeling comes from a lack of shared experience with your spouse. Having a nice married life is just not enough; sharing a mutual journey creates inner fulfillment.

I once saw a pictorial essay entitled Marriage. It had a photograph of a beautifully dressed couple, each standing in their own little rowboat in the ocean, pointing towards the horizon. They were holding hands, supporting each other in their life's journey.

When I saw this essay I was profoundly saddened because a truly fulfilling marriage begins when a couple climbs into one boat together. It may not feel as stable and safe at first because it takes time and planning to learn how to work together, how to move together and how to trust each other.

Supporting each others' individual goals is vitally important, but not having shared goals leads to separate lives and a sense of loneliness. A goal, however, without a plan is just a wish, and therefore you need to create a "marriage plan" to define your mutual long-term vision and to set the signposts for the smaller steps you need to take to create a shared life.

The first step to creating this shared vision is to visualize your dream marriage. Here is an exercise to help you do this.

Take a blank piece of paper and a pen. There are only two rules to this exercise:

1. write in the first person (I and We), and
2. write in the present tense.

Now, both of you dedicate a half hour to discuss what your dream marriage would look like. Have fun with it and really go for it, remember that there are no limitations to what you can dream about. There are no time or money restraints, no past history and no future worries. Write down only what is mutually agree upon. Whichever way the paragraph comes out is good, there is no right and wrong answers, as long as it represents your joint vision.

There is an incredibly transformative effect just in having a clearly defined vision. A couple once came to me for counseling but left after only one session because the husband decided that he did not want to put in the work. It just was not worth it to him. We happened to do this "dream marriage" exercise in the one session that we shared. I ran into the couple about a year later at a friend's wedding and we sat down to chat. They told me that a weird thing was happening with their relationship: they were beginning to live their "dream marriage" statement without even trying.

There is a subconscious shift that occurs when you have a dream vision. It is as if you set a new direction for your relationship and then you simply have to wait for your life to play it out.

The next step for your marriage plan is build your schedule around your marriage. When you are setting up your week and plugging in appointments to your calendar, get into the habit of scheduling your marriage appointments first. Set up an evening out together, a lunch encounter, a romantic walk, or an intimate rendezvous. Try to create action steps that are in line with your dream marriage vision statement. Now you can start building the rest of your schedule around your marriage appointments. When life throws you urgent matters that need immediate attention, change other appointments before you alter your marriage appointments. They may not seem as important at the time, but each appointment is a brick that is building your marriage palace. If you miss too many of them, you will have a very small shack.

The last step is to celebrate your wins together. Once every six months, go out for a special victory dinner. Bring your children with you so that they can celebrate with you. Discuss with them how you set your marriage vision and added simple action steps to make that vision your reality. You know, having a loving and intimate marriage nowadays is definitely worth celebrating.

It's funny how marriage has become one of the areas in our lives where we leave success to trial and error. Parenting too! Why is it funny? Because these are two of the most complicated facets of a persons life. Way more intricate than driving, flying, or massage therapy, and these things need courses and licensing to do in public. People spend decades studying and being tested for their careers and jobs skills, and even have ongoing training, planning and evaluation.

Marriage (and parenting) only requires a minimum age and a pulse. Trial and error means that we try something, make mistakes, find a solution and repeat the same process over and over again. The problem in relationships is that these errors hurt. The emotional damage that is caused can derail the progress of the relationship and a couple can find itself spending most of its time doing damage control, rather then building a healthy, loving and intimate relationship.

A couple needs a plan for their relationship. They need to charter a course towards a mutual destination. Climb into the same boat together and create your shared life. There is a deep sense of fulfillment that you will occur for both of you. You may even stop feeling that you are like two ships that pass in the night.