CTV's W-Five: Our Family Spoke Up

By Theresa VanDyk

Theresa Vandyk, mother of a now 13 year old son, responded to W-Five's request at CPO to interview families who have experienced bullying at school. This is her story.

On February 24th, 1998, W Five on CTV aired a report on Bullies. This report showed a number of examples of children who are bullied at school and the growing frustration the parents of these children feel when they approach the School System and try to deal with these situations. Our family took part in that report.

For many years our son (who last year was in Grade Seven) suffered abuse at the hands of his peers and the School Systems method of dealing with these bullies was totally ineffective. Some of this abuse was emotional and some was physical. I held meetings with his teachers, the Vice Principal, the Principal, I spoke with the Superintendent of Schools, I even wrote letters to our local news paper in the hopes of raising awareness over this issue. My husband and myself attended Bully Proofing seminars (this was suppose to teach parents how to teach their children to stand up for themselves) and our son attended Conflict Resolution classes at school. We did everything the School System recommended we do and the abuse continued. At one point our son was told (by School Staff) that he would have to learn how to stand up for himself, that if he didn't stand up to the bullies, they would always be there to bother him. This advise was opposite to what our son learned in martial arts classes. As for the Conflict Resolution classes he was taking, in his mind they were a waste of time. While in these classes he would be asked to think of ways in which he could avoid being bullied, his response was "I could have stayed home that day". Also any youth who would hang out with our son while at school would be threatened to stay away from our son (by these bullies) or suffer the same abuse. There were times when our son was told by the School not to bother me with what had occured through the day. This was in my opinion way out of line on the School's behalf, we as a family work at keeping the lines of communication open with our children and letting them know that we will be there for them.

We watched a bright young man sink so deep (emotionally), his health was being affected, his grades dropped year after year, he began skipping classes (his teacher never did inform me of this) and we needed to find a solution. I tried to explain to the School that if I was to go to work ever day with the fear of being beat up, I wouldn't be able to do well at my job, why would they think that our son would do well in learning with what he had to put up with on a regular basis. The School kept thinking that there must be another reason for our son being abused so much at school so with our permission they tested him for his academic level, then they wanted to test him for learning disorders (something I disagreed with), in the end they could find no label to pin on him, he didn't fit any of the text book studies. At this point he was becoming real tired of being under their microscope. One year ago, this month, after extensive research, we found our solution. I went to the Principal of the School to inform him that we were taking our son out of the system to be Home Schooled. This choice was not made lightly and is not a solution for everyone, what this choice did do for our son was it gave him an opportunity to learn without having to be concerned about being bullied. Even though our son is out of the School System we do have a daughter in Grade One, thus my continued concern over the issue of Bullies.

Going back to the report done by W Five, we thought this would give our son a voice, to all that he went through. After watching the report, we were in shock to find out that so many other children have either gone through or are now going through what our son experienced, and in some cases there are children going through much worst. What bothered me also was the fact that the parents who are trying to stand up and be there for their children are being met with the same pat on the head when they try to approach the School System.

Here is some of the feedback we received after the report aired. Friends and family called to lend their support and to commend us for speaking up as a family on this important issue. Some adults (who don't know our son) took the time to say they recognized him from the program and how impressed they were to see a youth speaking up on this. On the flip side, some adults have told him that he should have stayed in school and just learned to live with it, this is a part of life, learning how to cope with difficult and mean people.

The reaction at our daughters school has been interesting. Some of the staff and parents have avoided making eye contact. A few parents think this topic is being blown way out of proportion. One parent asked me "if I had realized ahead of time how much weight the camera puts on a person, would I have still agreed to do the interview"? (I thought that parent was kidding, they were not) One other parent was thankful for not watching the report, this parents comments were "the less I know about such things, the better".

Through the grape vine I have heard that the School Systems response to this report is "we do not have a problem with bullies in our schools, we have a zero tolerance policy towards such a thing". Well if this is true, my idea of zero and theirs mean two differant things, plus there would be no need for me to be writing this. Another person within the School System agreed with me that the programs to Bully Proof do not work and it doesn't matter how hard we all try we will never solve this problem of bullies in the schools.

Every School to my knowledge has a Code of Conduct, these are guidelines laid out by the School for the students to follow. Any guidelines, rules, regulations or laws are only useful if they are enforced. This is one area where I think the School System (all employee's) can be a lot more responsible.

Parents and the School System, have to stop thinking that bullies are just a part of childhood, something that some children just have to get through and that bullies are just kid's being kid's. Kid's being kid's could grow into adults hurting or abusing other adults, and the last time I checked abuse (towards another person or a spouse) is a crime. Every child, no matter what their interest or background has a right to an Education in a safe environment which fosters learning, this is not being provided for all students. We do not need any more laws passed, all I would like to see is for the School System to stop being in denial and for one brave person in the School System to stand up and say "any child who chooses to be disruptive or abusive while at school should return home until they are ready to get down to the process of learning". This in my mind is Zero Tolerance.

Our son said it perfectly (he is now 13 years old), "by the School System and Parents not doing anything and thinking there is no solution, they are in fact contributing to the problem and allowing it to continue."