Dating as a Single Mom

Happy to be dating again but worried about how it will affect your child? Here's some advice

By Nicole McPherson

I have done the virtually impossible. I have snagged one of the few remaining 35-year-old men who are single, emotionally stable, and interested in women in their own age bracket. This is despite my “baggage.” I am 33 years old, have been separated for two years, and have a three-year-old son who lives with me five days a week. Mr. Nice Guy, as I’ll call my new boyfriend, isn’t scared off. In fact, he’s a single dad himself.     

Sounds pretty perfect, doesn’t it? What could be better than connecting with someone who understands my unique situation?

Well, like many single moms out there, I’m used to giving all my love and attention to my child – and my child only. Now that things are getting serious with Mr. Nice Guy, how do I officially make room for him in my two-person family? Will my son suffer by my moving on? And will I be less of a mom if he sees me sharing my time with someone new? If you’re in the same position – happy to be dating again but worried about how it will affect your child – here’s some advice:

1. Give yourself permission to start over. Don’t feel guilty about getting back out there or spending some time outside of Mommy mode. Doing so can help you become a happier and more balanced parent. Dr. Dianne O’Connor, a child psychologist based in Toronto, agrees. “Single mothers should feel free to start dating again,” she said. “They have a right to their own life and to see and enjoy their friends. Children who are secure and can trust others will not be unduly stressed when their mother goes out and leaves them with a reliable caregiver.”  

2. Go slowly with the introductions. Wait until your child is adjusted to your separation or divorce before introducing him or her to someone new, and be sure your new partner has long-term potential before doing so. “Your new partner can be introduced as ‘Mommy’s friend’ for short, relaxed, and hopefully enjoyable periods with your child,” continued Dr. O’Connor. “As your child grows more comfortable with him, the periods of time can be increased.”

3. Keep things civil with your ex. If your separation or divorce is filled with conflict, your child may have difficulty adjusting to further change, including a new partner. Sure, there will be times when your ex gets under your skin. What ex doesn’t? But resist the urge to retaliate with an all-out verbal assault. The better the two of you can get along, the easier it will be for your child to settle into his or her new routine.

4. Reassure your child. Sometimes children worry that when Mommy starts dating someone new, the father that they adore will be replaced. “All children need to know is that their father will always be their father, and that they will see him just as often,” said Dr. O’Connor. “Nothing will change as far as their relationship with their dad.”  

5. Make a list and stick to it. What are your five must-have traits in a new match and potential mentor to your child? Write these characteristics down. As your relationship progresses, keep your list in view or top of mind. Small compromises along the way are normal, but if you suddenly find yourself with someone who doesn’t meet any of your needs, are you really doing yourself and your child any favours?

As for me and Mr. Nice Guy, only time will tell how things will turn out. And that’s okay. In the meantime, I’ll just continue enjoying life, my son, and the company of a man who likes me and all my baggage.