Dealing with backtalk

By Catherine Rondina

Lately Dan and Sabrina's 4-year-old daughter Amy has become somewhat defiant over the simplest situations. She refuses to pick up her toys or to get ready for bed when asked. Not only is she demonstrating this insolent behaviour, she's also begun to talkback when asserting herself. To her parents' horror she has started to use phrases such as; "You are stupid Mommy" "Daddy you're an idiot" or "No I won't, you can't make me!" While toddlers can be prone to tantrums or the occasional meltdown this type of acting-out behaviour can be worrisome. Many parents fear that this rebelliousness may be an early sign of a problem child. But don't panic, this type of behaviour is common among young children.

"Backtalk can start as early as the preschool years," says Danielle Colborne a Montessori teacher from Richmond Hill, Ontario. "While you don't find a lot of it in the very young kids, the older ones who are developing their language skills but haven't quite matured socially, experiment with it more often," adds Colborne.

She warns that much of this behaviour is learned and as adults we must be aware of our actions around children. "Kids pick up everything we say and do," states Colborne, " keep in mind that they are always watching and listening." Colborne has these tips for dealing with backtalk:

• Remain calm before you respond. Take a deep breath and think about what you're going to say to your child. Responding with a retort will only escalate the situation and get you into a power struggle of words.
• Respond with a short, simple statement. " I don't like you talking to me like that. If you want to talk to me, please use nicer language." Don't get into a longwinded explanation of what was said just nip the situation in the bud quickly.
• Try to help your child identify why he or she had the outburst. If your child says, "No, I'm not going to school. I hate school. I hate you!" She doesn't really hate you or school and may be feeling insecure and need to know that you'll be there to get them after school is over.
• Take a closer look at the situation. Maybe the issue doesn't even need to be dealt with at this time. Your child may have simply used an expression just to get a reaction from you. Simply ignoring it maybe the smartest way to discourage her from trying it again.
• If a verbal confrontation arises try to lighten the situation with humour or turn it into a game. For example if your child says, "I don't won't to have a bath! Baths are stinky!" You can respond with "Let's fill the tub with bubbles and have a bubble battle.''