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Kids of separated or divorced couples need positive parenting, especially during the holidays.

By Julie Gilbert

The holiday season can be a very stressful and complicated time for kids whose parents are going through a separation or divorce. These kids may feel confused because they want to please both parents, but are not able to be in two places at once. They often worry about the parent who is left behind when they are spending time with the other parent. Kids also want to see their extended families – grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins – during the holidays.

It is important for parents to realize that their children’s needs come first. A parent may feel resentment towards the other parent and his/her extended families, but children do not necessarily feel the same way. Kids will flourish if they are surrounded by people who love them.

There are many things that parents can do to help their children deal with feelings of guilt and confusion around this time of year. Most importantly, the kids need to know that it is okay to love both parents and their extended families and should be encouraged to do so by both parents. This requires a great deal of emotional integrity on the part of the adults and is not always easy to do.

Having said that, remember that you only have control over your own behaviour. You can make suggestions to your former spouse and extended family on how to behave for the kids’ sake, but you can’t control their behavior. Don’t worry though, children are smart and will quickly figure out who has integrity and who doesn’t.

Here are some suggestions for parents

• Ensure your children’s needs come first by starting new traditions if necessary and by being flexible.
• Explain to your own extended family that your children have the right to love the other parent and his/her extended family without feeling guilty. This means that speaking negatively about the other parent or extended family is a form of abuse – it may make the adult feel better, but it can cause serious harm to the child.
• Let your children know their holiday visitation schedule well ahead of time. Help them emotionally prepare for the holiday and assure them that you are okay with the plan, even if you are actually feeling a little anxious about it.
• Don’t use gifts to compete with your former spouse and ask your extended family not to either. Children will eventually figure out who is trying to buy them and they’ll manipulate you and your generousity to their advantage. It is important for children to feel that they are loved, not that they’re being bought. Have your children make a want/need list for you, their other parent and their grandparents.
  
  Encourage your children to write letters, make cards, or draw pictures to send to extended family if they live far away. Children can also make a calendar with a new picture of themselves for every month and send this to grandparents. Grandparents often feel alienated and confused during separation and divorce, especially if their grandchildren are living with their own child’s former spouse. Encourage grandparents to participate in your children’s lives.
• Ask grandparents who live far away to send a audio/videotape letter to your kids or a recording of them reading a book. You and your ex-spouse can do the same so that the children can watch or listen to one parent’s tape while visiting with the other parent.

Holidays are a difficult time and the blues may be inevitable, even for those not going through a separation or divorce. If you get the blues, do NOT lean on your children for support. Let them be children and feel protected and safe. Research shows that one of the most detrimental effects to a child’s well being is for a parent to use a child as a confidante.

These suggestions are just a start. Every family that goes through a divorce or separation is unique. Children at different ages and stages of development have different needs. The key to being a positive parent during the holiday season is to be creative and flexible.