Family Meetings

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• Family

By Deborah Clark

Kim and Josh meet every week without fail. It's a date they never break. It is their family meeting; the time that they set aside for each other to discuss the week's happenings and deal with the joys and challenges of living with others. Kim decided when Josh was little that she was going include him in family decisions. Not every decision was necessarily a family one. But Kim is democratic by nature and wanted Josh to have input into things that family did.

Just as there are many types of families, there are many meeting styles. Whether you are democratic, like Kim, or consensual in nature, there is a family meeting type to suit your needs. And just as families grow and change, meeting styles adapt to its participants. The most important part of the family meeting is its continuity. Whether the meetings are weekly, monthly or organized as the needs arise, everyone in the family needs to know that problems and issues air in a fair manner. Every family member should be allowed to talk, if they choose, on each subject brought up at the meeting.

First, however, the parent must setup the guidelines for how each meeting is to run. Regardless of how your meetings are structured, there are a few simple rules to keep in mind.

1. Allow all family members to have input into the agenda of the meeting.
2. Keep the age of the children in mind. A four year old can participate in the meeting, but the attention span is brief. So by ensuring the part relevant to them comes first, they can contribute and then are free to come and go as other members continue. A ten year old can give opinions and help make decisions as well as bring up concerns.
3. Ensure all family members have a chance to be heard. Five year olds like to have input into plans that involve them. All people enjoy being listened to.
4. Ask for solutions. Brainstorm and be creative, the more creative, the better then the children will be better able to seek innovative answers to their own challenges.
5. Reach decisions by consensus whenever possible. Once every person has had the chance to speak on the subject brought to the meeting, and solutions have been discussed, poll each family member. Keep refining the decision until everyone agrees.
6. Keep the meetings as short as possible. If you cannot get to everything, either ask the family if they would like to go on, or set up another time to finish. No one likes to sit in a meeting for a long time.

It may sound difficult but, once you do it a few times, it becomes easier and more natural.

Meetings, just like families are dynamic in nature. As the family grows and changes, meetings adapt and conform to the needs of its participants. When children are small, the need for structure, provided by the parent, is important. As children mature, the focus of the meeting will change, a more democratic and even collegial meeting setup will develop. Children and parents will contribute not only to the meeting but also its planning. As you grow more comfortable with the framework of the meetings you hold, that comfort will help to change the structure to better meet you and your family's needs.

The type of meeting will depend on your family style. All families have a style of interaction. Some families are very autocratic and a heavily structured system will work well. As the children grow they will continue to contribute to the meetings but, the parents will always maintain control and direction. Other families are democratic. They make certain the all members have reasonable input into both the process and the decisions. As the children grow in this type of family, they will become more involved in the setup and processes of the meetings. The other type is the collegial family. Children in this family are treated in much the same manner as the adults. All family members are expected to participate and follow through with the processes and decisions within the family and meetings are no exception. This is the most relaxed family structure. Regardless of the type of family you are, meetings can help you deal with the things as they arise in a positive way.

Now the meeting is underway. You have set up a time that is good for everyone. Sunday afternoons and Fridays after supper are both good times but, whatever suits your family's schedule is best. You have set up the agenda. Everyone has had the chance to add their items. Everything will run smoothly. Of course not, but, with the guidelines in place is is easy to remind everyone to follow the rules. Remember, if the meeting style you have chosen doesn't seem to be working positively, just try a different type, time, or approach. With time and the cooperation of everyone involved, meetings can be wonderful tool that will result in the family spending more quality time with each other. If meetings use a little time each week to make more time in the long run, it is a good thing.

1997© Deborah Clark.