Girls Will Be Girls

Related Content

• Pre-teens (ages 10-12)
• Peer Pressure

Raising Confident and Courageous Daughters an Excerpt from: Girls Will Be Girls

By Dr. JoAnn Deak, Ph.D., with Teresa Barker

The Search for Perspective

"It's pretty hard being a girl nowadays. You can't be too smart, too dumb, too pretty, too ugly, too friendly, too coy, too aggressive, too defenseless, too individual, or too programmed. If you're too much of anything, then others envy you, or despise you because you intimidate them or make them jealous. It's like you have to be everything and nothing all at once, without knowing which you need more of."
-- Nora, twelfth grade

My friend Clara calls me every now and then with one of her "bad mother" confession stories. Ostensibly it's to give me fodder for my talks and workshops, but just after she finishes the story comes the real reason: She needs some reassurance that she hasn't ruined her daughter for life. She's not a bad mother at all -- just the opposite, in fact -- but with a twelve-year-old daughter, her parenting judgment is always subject to criticism, and her confidence takes a drubbing.

The parenting dilemmas she describes are usually garden-variety, everyday episodes involving her daughter and school, friends, fashion, and responsibility. But sometimes even simple decisions -- like whether to let her daughter buy the stylish but scanty swimsuit she wants -- become more difficult in the high-risk, high-pressure context of contemporary life for girls.

Clara called one day, exhausted, confused, and depressed. She had just bought her daughter Robin the swimsuit of her choice. Of course, it wasn't as simple as it sounds. What had begun as an ordinary shopping trip had morphed into an episode in which Clara's parental judgment and values had fallen victim to a tiny two-piece bathing suit. As they walked from store to store, from mall to mall, from one slip of a swimsuit to another, it had become very clear to Clara that it would be almost impossible to find a fashionable teen suit that wasn't extremely revealing. Robin, ordinarily a modest sort, had begged to buy a popular style of two-piece suit, seemingly oblivious to the fact that it only barely covered any piece of her anatomy. Clara urged her to find something less revealing. Robin argued that in years past -- before she "had boobs" -- she could wear anything, and she felt that she should still be able to wear whatever she found comfortable and stylish.

Clara countered with a few predictable words about the way our clothes communicate something about ourselves. She said that while Robin might feel moved to buy such a suit because she felt stylish and fit and at ease with her body, the fact was that the males in the crowd would make their own interpretation of her clothes, her body, and her intentions, and their reactions had to be taken into account. She had to be careful "not to send the wrong message," Clara counseled.

But even as she spoke, Clara winced at the sound of her own words and the message they sent to her daughter -- that Robin was not free to simply dress as she pleased for a day at the pool. She had to consider the possibility of undesirable consequences. That despite her girlish view of herself and the world, her body spoke of womanly potential, and that was problematic. Yet why should a girl have to view her blossoming body as a liability?

Robin objected and was furious. She didn't care what boys thought; why should she have to take them into account?

"The trouble was, on the inside, I agreed with her," Clara said. "I can't say that I honestly thought anything bad would happen to her at the pool. At the same time, there is a real element of danger for girls -- you can't ignore the news stories of sex molesters, rapists -- girls and women are preyed upon. But there was something else, too. It was depressing for me to see her wanting to buy into this media image of girls as hot chicks, at twelve! She's this wonderful girl, with a great mind and funny sense of humor and a good heart, and I don't want people looking at her body and sizing her up that way. It's so demeaning!

"She's right -- it ought to be okay for a girl to wear what makes her happy. Boys don't have to worry about what they wear, but the reality for girls is different. It made me angry to think about it, and sad to hear myself telling my daughter that she has to go by the same old unfair rules 'because I said so.' But I didn't want to go into much detail about my reasons because I didn't want her to have to think about the dark side of all this like I do.

"It was, she said, borrowing from the title of one of her daughter's favorite childhood books, "a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad shopping trip."

Eventually, though, Clara gave in. Every other girl in Robin's circle of friends had the same skimpy, stylish suit. To dress differently would have set Robin up for teasing and the most humiliating attention. Clara could remember the pain of that from her own girlhood; who can forget? There was also the fact that no other parent she knew had mentioned this as a source of worry, dismay, or a conflict of values. Maybe she was being unreasonable, too protective, too reactive. Maybe it really didn't matter anymore. She didn't believe that, but she wasn't sure that winning the bathing suit decision was worth the cost to her daughter, who would be the one to suffer the consequences in her peer group. Clara threw in the towel, so to speak, and accepted the inevitable. It was, after all, just a swimsuit.

"But I'm still upset by the principle of the thing," Clara told me. "Just because everybody's doing it doesn't make it right. There's so much that 'everybody's doing' that isn't right or healthy for girls. And how can I expect my twelve-year-old to make sense of things if I can't do it myself?"

Clara often feels like the Lone Ranger as she grapples with the issues of the day, but she isn't alone. In my work as a school psychologist, consultant, and speaker, I hear from thousands of other mothers, fathers, and teachers, and thousands more girls themselves, all of whom share similar stories of their own struggles to navigate the rich and risky contemporary landscape for girls.

Copyright © 2002 JoAnn Deak, Ph.D.

In Reviving Ophelia, Mary Pipher told us about the problems girls face. Now, in Girls Will Be Girls, JoAnn Deak gives us the solutions. In a work that's as relevant and important as Raising Cain, Deak offers a comprehensive road map to the many emotional and physical challenges girls ages six to sixteen face in today's challenging world.

Renowned for her knowledge of what makes girls tick, Dr. Deak brings together stories and lessons from more than 20 years as a school psychologist and principal, and introduces original concepts as a framework to help parents better understand their daughters, such as:

The Strudel Theory -- building a life with layers of experience Crucible Moments - the accumulating impact of the "little things Negotiating the Gray -- using discussion and action to guide girls through the often chaotic and ambiguous challenges of physical, social, and emotional growth Deak looks past the "scare" stories to those that enlighten parents and enable them to empower girls. She draws from the latest brain research on girls to illustrate the exciting new ways in which we can help our daughters learn and thrive. Most telling of all, she gives us the voices of girls themselves as they struggle with body image, self-esteem, intellectual growth, peer pressure, and media messages. The result is a masterly book that addresses the key issues for girls growing up; one that fulfills a desperate need for clear guiding principles to help mothers, fathers, and their daughters navigate this chaotic contemporary culture.

Reviews

"Girls Will Be Girls offers parents humor, understanding, parenting philosophy, and well-founded pearls of wisdom. It is a satisfying and delicious read."
--Michael G. Thompson, Ph.D., coauthor of Raising Cain

"I wish this book had been around back when I was a girl. And I sure wish it had been around when my daughter was a girl. There's real wisdom between these covers. Do yourself a favor. Buy one copy for yourself (or your mother), and another to save for when your daughter is mother to a daughter.
--Linda Ellerbee

"As the largest informal education organization for girls in the world, we concur with Dr. Deaks insightful treatise on raising confident and competent girls. I encourage parents, guardians and anyone who works with girls to read this book."
--Marsha Johnson Evans, National Executive Director, Girls Scouts of the USA

"Girls Will Be Girls is a must-read for every parent! It provides thoughtful advice that will enrich your relationship with your daughter and help you enjoy the complex challenge of raising a strong and resilient person -- one who can discover for herself the power of the words 'I can.'
--Frances A. Rubacha, Board Chair, Outward Bound USA

"Full of compelling insights about raising great girls. Parents who buy this book will raise girls who have the strength of character to withstand anything that life throws at them. By focusing on 'crucible events,' Deak and Barker give parents an exceptionally useful tool for understanding girls' development."
--Dan Kindlon, author of Too Much of A Good Thing: Raising Children of Character in an Indulgent Age and Coauthor of Raising Cain

"JoAnn Deak's Girls Will Be Girls is right on the mark. She celebrates girls, and has a keen understanding of their intellectual, physical, and emotional lives. Cultivating competence, confidence, and connections is the bottom line . . . of " important new book."
--Meg Milne Moulton and Whitney Ransome, Executive Directors, national Coalition of Girl's Schools