Having Another Baby After a SIDS Death

After the unexpected and unexplained death of your baby to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, there are endless questions in your mind as you think about another pregnancy and birth.

This section is for parents and families of babies who have died from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). It has been prepared by parents who have survived the nightmare of a SIDS death.

Are we ready for another child?

Whether you become pregnant soon after, years later or never again, the decision is yours and yours alone.

You may feel that you are waiting for someone to tell you it is time for another baby. But only you can tell when the time is right.

It is important to remember that every baby is special. A new baby will not replace your baby who has died.

You may find it reassuring to talk about you worries with your doctor or pre-natal instructor. It often helps to talk with another parent who has had a baby after a SIDS death.

For many SIDS parents the birth of the next baby is very close to the first anniversary of their baby's death. This can cause a mix of emotions-- celebration and sorrow-- that can be confusing for all family members. This confusion is normal.

Can another baby die too?

No one can promise you that your future babies will not die. We can say that it is very, very rare for Sudden Infant Death Syndrome to happen more that once in a family.

You may worry and fret over your new baby's health. You may wonder how you will survive bringing up a new baby. But you will survive.

You may wonder whether or not to use a home apnea monitor. These monitors do not prevent SIDS. Discuss the use of monitors with your doctor.

You may feel guilty or even angry when you learn new information about reducing the risks for SIDS. There is no reason for self-blame. While you may wish to put your new baby to sleep on the back; to keep the baby warm, but not hot; to breast-feed if possible and not to smoke, we know that following this advice will not end all SIDS deaths. The causes of SIDS are still unknown.

Remember:
Risk factors are not causes.
SIDS is unpredictable and unpreventable.
SIDS is not your fault.

Will I be afraid to have another baby?

Yes, you may be. The fear of loving and losing another child is something that haunts us. But loving another child does not diminish your feeling for the baby who died.

"I didn't love Paul any less when Josh came along. Just like I won't love Josh any less when he has a new baby brother or sister" ( SIDS Mother )

It is normal to feel as if you are betraying your baby if and when you become pregnant. You may feel guilty that you are leaving him or her behind.
You cannot replace a human being. You will never forget your baby. Memories last forever.

How will I feel when I become pregnant?

You may feel overjoyed or you may be terrified at the thought of being pregnant.

Will I ever sleep?
Will I panic?
Will the baby be all right?

Take it one day at a time. One moment at a time. Every day your confidence will grow and you will feel better.

The birth of your baby

Your next birth will be an overwhelming experience. Memories pour back, you may even confuse the two births. It is natural to compare birth experiences and babies. This new baby will be special and will bring his or her own joy.

You will love them both.

The first days home

During the first days home and when this baby reaches the same age as your baby who died, you may panic.

"I was afraid when he came home. Once when I went to check him, I froze, I had to wake up my husband to go in first."

These feeling are normal. Many parents feel panic. It often helps to talk about these fears with another parent or understanding friend.

Being a super-parent

You may want to be the perfect parent. You are grateful that the baby is alive, you feel you should never be cross or tired or fed-up. Relax if you have some of these feelings. You are human! It is very stressful to cope with a new baby.
Just try to be normal and have fun with your new little one. As your confidence grows, your worries will fade.

You will be sensitive to criticism

Some people may feel you are being overprotective or too wrapped up in this new baby. Other might think you are not being attentive enough. Try to do what feels right for you and our family.
For example, if it makes you comfortable to have your baby sleep in your room with you-- do so. But if you find it more relaxing for the baby to sleep in another room, that is fine too.

You are the expert here.

Children

Remember that children have their own fears about death. An older brother or sister may be silently worrying about the new baby.
Let your other children share in the fun of caring for the new baby. They still need their own share of love and must feel that they are important members of the family.
It is helpful for children to talk about their feelings. This can give you and the children a better understanding of their fears. Although this may be painful for parents, talking is the best way to reassure our children.

Feelings of over-protectiveness towards other children
After the sudden, unexpected death of your baby, it is normal for you to worry about your older children and your new baby. When the worst has happened to you-- you worry!
Often these feeling can be relived by the joy and happiness you feel just being with your children.

Grandparents' feelings

You know how the death of your baby affected your parents. They may now feel very worried about the health of the new grandchild. They may need reassurance that all is well. You can help by telling them of the new baby's progress and keeping in close touch. If the grandparent lives in another city, they may want to contact their local chapter of the Canadian Foundation for the Study of Infant Deaths for support.

Your feeling and thoughts are real. Your fear, your joy, your uncertainty have been felt by other parents.

We have learned that life is precious. The birth of a baby is a time of great joy. It is the beginning of a new life. We hope this will help you enjoy your new baby.

Facts you should know about SIDS

• SIDS is the leading cause of infant death under one year of age
• SIDS can not be predicted nor prevented at this time
• SIDS is not caused by neglect or child abuse.
• SIDS is not caused by a fault in the design of the baby's crib.
• SIDS is not contagious or infectious.
• SIDS is not considered hereditary.
• SIDS is not a new medical problem.
• SIDS occurs rapidly and silently, usually during periods of sleep.
• SIDS probably has more that one cause although the final death mechanisms appear to be similar.
• SIDS is not anyone's fault.