Kid Juggling

By Joanne Keating

Warning: The following feat of daring was done in an uncontrolled situation by unprofessionals. Please, try this at home.

After hours of labour, you finally have that wiggling, jiggling bundle of joy in your arms and want to hold him there forever. But, the first phase of kid juggling has begun.

First, Daddy wants a turn. Well, perhaps he is entitled, so you let him have the baby. Then Daddy hears that squishy squirty sound and the baby is juggled back to you. Now you learn kid/diaper juggling . . . how to hold the wiggling baby still while juggling the squishy diaper and a fresh clean one, all the while cleaning with a wet cloth with your other hand (does that make three hands?)

Now comes the baby shower. Kid juggling at its finest. The sweetly sleeping angel is passed from a mom to a grandma to a friend to an aunty, while the tense mommy watches. Now angel puss wakes up and starts to squeal. Said angel is juggled back to mommy who is now in the midst of trying to juggle eating, drinking a glass of wine, and opening gifts. Babe is attached firmly to right breast while mom continues on. Half time . . .juggle to the left, ooh and aah over next gift, juggle that privacy blanket back over the shoulder.

Pretty soon, you are an expert juggler. You can make baby food, eat lunch, talk on the phone all while juggling the baby from one hip to the other. Then baby grows up and is able to walk. It's a whole new juggling act.

Mom grabs for the phone cord, juggles the juice glass, steps on the cat, reaches desperately for the china tea cup. Aaah, baby walks and there is no more hip juggling.

But, wait . . . what is that queasy feeling in the pit of your stomach? Baby number two is on its way. Oh, the joy . . . juggling your toddler around that bulging tummy. Suddenly, life is complicated again.

Enter baby number two. This is where the real baby juggling begins. Number one wants lunch, and so does number two. With number two firmly attached to breast, you go to the fridge for milk. Out of milk. Toss the empty container (who always puts them back in there anyhow) into the garbage, juggle number two to the other side, juggle number one into his coat while promising lunch at McDonalds if he'll just cooperate. Toss number two onto shoulder for a big burp. Take number one firmly in left hand while holding number one with right. Enter your bedroom where you can change out of the baby woofed t-shirt into something that isn't too wrinkled out of the laundry hamper.

Exit house. Hold squirming number one with left hand while depositing number two, who has been safely strapped into car seat, into the back seat. Stretch across big car seat to attach seatbelt to infant seat. Run quickly after number one who has squirmed away, safely settling him in car seat one, or is that two? With left hand, connect seat belt while finding soother with your right hand.

Scamper madly back into the house to get your purse and keys. This is a very important juggling tip. Always keep your keys in your hand when travelling. Locking babies into the car with the keys in the diaper bag is not a graceful juggling act.

At McDonalds, place infant into snuggly, and toddler into one of those awful plastic high chairs, while trying to tell the impatient clerk what exactly you want to eat, juggling purse to find wallet, and find some money stashed deep in the recesses of the diaper bag as well.

Aaah, sitting down . . . bliss! Now, juggle baby with dirty diaper, toddler with french fries protuding from his nose, and your own soft drink (diet, of course), while wiping toddlers face.

Return to car, replace toddler in seat, juggle dirty diaper, clean diaper, baby wipes etc on front seat. Put baby into car seat. Begin the drive home, and, as you pull into your own driveway, remember that you left the house for milk. Argh! Turn back, and head for the store.

Juggle both children into the store. Baby into cart seat, toddler to stand on the front and have a Œfun ride' while not touching anything! Juggle extra cereal, candy bars, avocados, floor wax, and anything else toddler has placed in cart, back onto a shelf ( just anywhere cuz they have people who get paid to clean up). Juggle purse, infant and toddler as you run to the far reaches of the store so toddler can use the potty. Hold baby in right hand, wipe toddler's bum with the left, use right knee to hold toddler to sink to wash hands. Perch baby on hip, and wash your own hands while keeping purse and diaper bag out of the water.

Return to buggy. Head to check out then remember the darn milk.

Juggle groceries, baby, toddler, purse, diaper bag, and keys all back into the car and return home.

Once inside, dump all of the above on the kitchen floor, including yourself. Look at the clock. There! That wasn't so bad. In just three hours, you have managed to get milk.

Warning to husbands: Do NOT, under any circumstances, come home, look at the mess and ask, "So, what have you been doing all day?"

©Joanne Keating 1999