Learning From Your Mistakes |
Becoming an effective parent entails making a series of educated guesses and seeing what works. In doing so, we inevitably make mistakes. There will be times we're rigid when we should be loose, loose when we should be firm; times we're inconsistent or unfair. All of us will make judgments based on the best knowledge we have at the time, only to find out later that we were wrong. We will say and do things that hurt our children because we were too tired, frustrated, or mad to stop ourselves. At times, we will repeat mistakes that were made by our parents because we haven't come to terms with those particular pockets of history. We all hope that none of the mistakes we make will damage our children by compromising their safety, squashing their self-esteem or crushing their spirit. Yet whenever we do something we haven't done before, we inevitably make mistakes. It's part of the learning curve.
The Value of Mistakes
"Wrong" answers are at the heart of the scientific discovery process. By discovering what's "wrong," through exploring and examining what doesn't work, we eventually figure out what does work. Mistakes are critical building blocks in the problem-solving process. When a child is learning to walk, falling down is as important as getting up.
Many of us haven't had an opportunity to learn to appreciate mistakes as opportunities for growth. When we make a mistake, we judge ourselves harshly. Mistakes don't fit in with our vision of ourselves as perfect parents. But perfection -- even if it was achievable -- is not what kids need from us. It's better for kids to have parents who demonstrate how to keep growing despite human frailties.
Modeling A Healthy Response to Mistakes
Children watch us carefully. Through our example, we can teach them that how they deal with their mistakes is more important than the fact that a mistake was made:
- Acknowledge your mistakes. Recognizing our mistakes is the first step.
- Model that mistakes are manageable. If we make an error and respond by saying, "Oh no! I made a mistake! I'll never try that again!" we teach our children that mistakes are insurmountable. If, on the other hand, we say, "Well, that didn't work. I guess I'll have to figure out a different way," we give our children an incredible statement of optimism. That's significant for a child who's going to learn through making mistakes for a lifetime.
- Talk to your inner critic. For many of us, accepting our mistakes requires muzzling an inner critic who tries to convince us that we'll never be able to get it right. We can work to replace that voice with a more constructive one: "That didn't work. I wonder why? What can I try this time instead?
- Remember that being able to correct yourself is a real sign of strength. Admitting mistakes takes courage.
- Apologize. "I'm sorry" are two necessary words in every parent's vocabulary.
- Take steps to avoid the same mistake. Although it's important to acknowledge mistakes, it's not enough to say, 'Oops! I blew it. Sorry!' If we stop there, there's nothing to keep us from repeating the same mistake again. If we really want to change, we need to make the critical leap from acknowledging our mistakes to doing something about them.
- Demonstrate how to learn from mistakes. Tell your child what you're going to do: "I'm going to go talk to someone who knows a lot about people getting angry so I can stop yelling at you." Or, "I'm going to start dinner earlier so I won't be so rushed and crabby in the evenings." Or, "I'm going to go to my parent's group and get some new ideas about how I could handle bedtime differently."
- Include your child in the problem-solving process. Preschool children love to come up with ideas, and their suggestions can be quite useful. Karyn explains: "From the time he was young, I always asked Bryan for his feedback: 'What would you have liked me to do?' 'How do you think we should handle that situation?' Over the years, he's come up with a lot of good ideas.
- Use humor. Sometimes humor can provide an outlet when we are worrying about all our potential mistakes. Leah came up with a humorous way to assuage her guilt: "I could spend my whole life worrying about all the things I do wrong as a parent: 'I should have listened. I should have done this. I should have done that.' I start worrying: 'I'm not going to protect my children.' 'I'm going to overprotect my children.' 'I'm being too responsive.' 'I'm not being responsive enough.' If I concentrate on those things, I can really put myself into a tailspin. I can't do that and raise my children with joy. So I had to find a way to deal with guilt. I started a therapy fund for my kids. When I make a mistake with my kids, I put a dollar in their therapy fund so they can recover at a later time. It's kind of a joke, but it helps me say to myself, 'I can make mistakes and it's not a bad thing.'"
- Remember that children are durable. Children are rarely harmed by just one of our mistakes. Children learn more from the consistency of our responses over time more than they do from the sporadic times that we "blow it. As Janis always tells parents, "Kids are amazingly durable and forgiving. They give you lots of chances and they're going to be with you for the long haul."
