Letting Go |
Watching a child depart for university can be at once exhilarating and scary for a parent. In some ways, a parent’s job is to help each child achieve independence, so a child that is making the move from home to university residence can be confirmation of a job well done. However, who among us can watch a child leave home without doubts? Doubts about whether the child has acquired all the needed capabilities and judgement, and doubts about how and when, perhaps even if the child will put them to appropriate use when the time comes. All of this is a long way of saying that the parenting role does not end at the doorstep of university residence. But there is more for parents to do than just worry. Parents of university students can play a positive role in a child’s transition to university life, an important milestone on the way to a life of success and self-reliance as an adult.
A child in the first few months of university experiences many changes and challenges. One way to help with the adjustment is judicious use of telephone interaction. Here are a few tips.
Find out your child’s schedule and work out a time for you to initiate a phone call that is convenient for the child.
University students have many interests competing for their time, one of which might be a good “sleep-in” on Sunday after a late Saturday night social event. So plan your call when it is a good time for your child – not when you think it should be a good time, but when it actually is. If you can’t work this out on your own, ask your child. You might find that Thursday afternoon at 4:00 PM turns out to work better than Sunday at 9:00 AM.
Use telephone contact time to update your child about how things are going on the home front.
In the first few weeks of university students can feel a loss of home life. There is no way to replace this, but updates on what is going on at home can help make your child feel connected to family, and conveying information is much better than demanding it (see next point).
Use open-ended questions.
While many children feel a loss of home life in the first few weeks of university, it is also true that many revel in the freedom to make pretty much all the important decisions in their daily lives. A telephone call that sounds like an inquisition will be unwelcome, so use questions like, “How are things going,” or, “What do you like about your courses,” rather than, “Are you attending all your classes?”
Create a climate of approval.
Your child will be facing all kinds of performance hurdles in the early stages of university – the requirement to fit in, the need to get along with a roommate, tests and assignments of all kinds, and perhaps even the need to come up with clever contributions in tutorials. Let’s not make the phone call to your child another venue in which he or she needs to measure up. This is a difficult concept to specify, but perhaps it is enough to say that it is very important to be unconditionally supportive. Your child will make mistakes, and probably knows better than you do how big they are and how avoidable they were, so the best reaction is one of empathy and encouragement. Perhaps surprising is that even though a description of a problem or a mistake seems like an appeal to you for direction or prescription of a solution, it probably isn’t. So, go back to point 4 and see how it works.
Use your telephone interaction for care-package ideas.
Who doesn’t like getting a thoughtful gift? Of course your child is going to feel cared for when a package of goodies arrives for them at university, but perhaps less well known is the contribution you can make to your child’s ease of life and time management by a well thought out care package. No need to empty the pantry here. A much better approach is to be a very careful listener and find out a couple of things your child needs but is having difficulty getting. Sometimes they can’t find the time for a trip off campus to a downtown store, or the particular item isn’t available in their small university town. So find out what the “hard to get” item is, package it up, and send it off – even if it is only a special bar of soap, or package of chocolate chip cookies.
A child in the first few months of university experiences many changes and challenges. One way to help with the adjustment is judicious use of telephone interaction. Here are a few tips.
Find out your child’s schedule and work out a time for you to initiate a phone call that is convenient for the child.
University students have many interests competing for their time, one of which might be a good “sleep-in” on Sunday after a late Saturday night social event. So plan your call when it is a good time for your child – not when you think it should be a good time, but when it actually is. If you can’t work this out on your own, ask your child. You might find that Thursday afternoon at 4:00 PM turns out to work better than Sunday at 9:00 AM.
Use telephone contact time to update your child about how things are going on the home front.
In the first few weeks of university students can feel a loss of home life. There is no way to replace this, but updates on what is going on at home can help make your child feel connected to family, and conveying information is much better than demanding it (see next point).
Use open-ended questions.
While many children feel a loss of home life in the first few weeks of university, it is also true that many revel in the freedom to make pretty much all the important decisions in their daily lives. A telephone call that sounds like an inquisition will be unwelcome, so use questions like, “How are things going,” or, “What do you like about your courses,” rather than, “Are you attending all your classes?”
Create a climate of approval.
Your child will be facing all kinds of performance hurdles in the early stages of university – the requirement to fit in, the need to get along with a roommate, tests and assignments of all kinds, and perhaps even the need to come up with clever contributions in tutorials. Let’s not make the phone call to your child another venue in which he or she needs to measure up. This is a difficult concept to specify, but perhaps it is enough to say that it is very important to be unconditionally supportive. Your child will make mistakes, and probably knows better than you do how big they are and how avoidable they were, so the best reaction is one of empathy and encouragement. Perhaps surprising is that even though a description of a problem or a mistake seems like an appeal to you for direction or prescription of a solution, it probably isn’t. So, go back to point 4 and see how it works.
Use your telephone interaction for care-package ideas.
Who doesn’t like getting a thoughtful gift? Of course your child is going to feel cared for when a package of goodies arrives for them at university, but perhaps less well known is the contribution you can make to your child’s ease of life and time management by a well thought out care package. No need to empty the pantry here. A much better approach is to be a very careful listener and find out a couple of things your child needs but is having difficulty getting. Sometimes they can’t find the time for a trip off campus to a downtown store, or the particular item isn’t available in their small university town. So find out what the “hard to get” item is, package it up, and send it off – even if it is only a special bar of soap, or package of chocolate chip cookies.
About the Author
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Sharron and Mike McIntyre
Sharron and Mike McIntyre are authors of University Matters, a transition guide for students entering First Year University to help them make good life choices and get the most out of their university experience. This valuable tool will help smooth the transition to first year. University Matters is available in bookstores and via their web site. The contents of the book are detailed on the web site as well as lots of helpful checklists and a budgeting spreadsheet - all available free: www.universitymatters.ca Learn more about Sharron and Mike McIntyre
