Mom's the Word

Congratulations! You're officially in training for the ultimate of guilt trips-motherhood!

By Ann Douglas

Did your guilt-o-meter start spinning out of control the moment you found out you were pregnant? Congratulations! You're officially in training for the ultimate of guilt trips-motherhood!

Unless you happen to be a card-carrying saint (and it can be helpful, by the way, to remind yourself from time to time that you're a Mother-To-Be, not Mother Teresa), chances are you've managed to find at least one thing to feel guilty about since the pregnancy test came back positive-that glass of wine you enjoyed the night your baby was conceived, the lung-full of second-hand smoke that you inhaled in a coffee shop the next morning, or the tumble you took when you were dashing across the drugstore parking lot late one night, desperate to snag a pregnancy test before closing time.

While you might think you're a natural at this whole guilt thing, don't make the all-too-common mistake of underestimating the time and effort required to hone this all-important skill. Here are a few tips:

• Don't be afraid to ask for help. If you seem to be having particular difficulty mastering the basics of mother guilt, call your local health unit to see if they run a Guilt Buddy program which hooks up veteran mothers with first-time mothers who have yet to master the art of feeling guilty. Sometimes you have to see mother guilt in action to get a handle on how it really works.
• Try not to dwell on any one cause of guilt for too long or it will start to lose its effectiveness. If you suspect that you've finally stopped feeling guilt about something, immediately redirect your energies to something else that you could potentially feel guilty about. Otherwise, you risk losing your guilt momentum-and that could ultimately lead to potentially dangerous feeling of worthiness and fitness for motherhood.
• If you're running out of things to obsess about, it's because you're not being creative enough. As any experienced mother can tell you, there's always something else to feel guilty about!
• Accept the fact that it takes time to master the art of feeling guilty. You can't expect to become a pro overnight. Fortunately, there's light at the end of the tunnel: once your child arrives, there will be a smorgasbord of things to set off your guilt-o-meter. For now, just remember what your mother used to tell you: "Good things come to those who wait."

The names may change, but the players remain the same. No matter which set of prenatal classes you decide to attend, you're bound to run into at least one of the following characters:

Ms. Perfect Pregnancy: She's the woman we all love to hate-a mother-to-be who wouldn't dream of touching junk food or non-organic produce, who takes the studies about the benefits of classical music to the developing fetus a little too seriously, and who is eagerly devouring all of the obnoxious "superbaby" books that promise to give overachieving parents the inside scoop on producing the next Gretzky or Einstein.

 

Gyno Mama:

She's eager to tell you more about her gynaecological history and sexual habits than any other human being has a right to know-her doctor included. You can't decide whether the story she shared at the very first class is more likely to appear on an upcoming episode of "America's Strangest Conception Stories" or to show up as a case study in an abnormal psychology textbook.

High-Tech Mama:

She's had her ultrasound photo made into a screen saver and she's looking forward to webcasting her baby's birth around the world. Her biggest concern is that there won't be a place to plug in her laptop in the birthing suite at the hospital.

Martha Stewart Mom-To-Be:

She started decorating her baby's room the day the pregnancy test came back positive-and eight months later, she's still at it! Her greatest fear is that she'll go into labour before she's finished stenciling the walls.