Motherhood and Sexual Desire |
As dedicated and caring mothers our questions of concern most often revolve around our kids. Moms ask me, "When should I tell my child about reproduction?" "What should I say?" "What if my child never asks me?" etc. etc. These are valid and important questions and make up the bread and butter of my practise but…I've decided to dedicate this article to a mother's own concerns about herself. Yes, it's time to think about you.
A recurring question I often respond to here at Canadianparents.com, reflects a concern for a mother's change in her own sexuality after giving birth and for years after. Usually a mom comments that she suddenly has very little interest in sex - a change from her previous hot sex life. Often her lack of desire leads to problems in her relationship with a partner who's desire is unscathed by birth and the demands of an infant. Occasionally, the tables are turned, the partner being the one whose desire has plummeted - but I'll get to this later.
Sexual desire is thought to be an important first step in the human sexual response. Helen Kaplin defines sexual desire as "specific sensations which move the individual to seek out, or become receptive to, sexual experiences". Without it, sexual activity can be a take it or leave it kind of affair. Sexual desire itself is thought to be largely related to psychological status, which is impacted on by physical well-being among other things.
Now, consider this familiar scenario. We have a mother of an infant. This may be her first child in which case she is hyper vigilant, feeling uncertain, has numerous questions and is completely preoccupied with her infant. Or this mother may have older children as well, in which case she is torn in her duties, trying to fit attention to one and all into her day as well as dealing with the logistics of toing and froing with her older children. No matter how many children she has, the mother's time is completely taken up with the care and management of her children and home. Oh yes, she may be working outside the home as well! On top of this she may be sleep-deprived, have sore nipples, leaking breasts, saggy breasts and belly contributing to a not so hot body image and perineal or abdominal discomfort from vaginal or caesarean birth. Is it any wonder that when faced with an amorous partner, the mom wants to roll over and go to sleep?
Besides all this, a mother's body has constant demands to give hugs and kisses, soothe a wounded spirit or knee, give a small child who is pulling on the mom's leg, hair or sweater the attention he/she thinks is needed immediately. Mothers live with constant demands for physical care - diapering, feeding, cuddling and comforting, carrying, rocking, etc. If breastfeeding, the baby is sucking and cuddling for hours each day. Often with all this care and even though she may enjoy it, a mother feels consciously or unconsciously, an invasion of space. The thought of more intimacy with her partner after a day of space invasion is not necessarily high on her priority list. The mother who is tired not only wants to roll over but may want to hug the sheets closer and withdraw. Given the reality of her day, it's understandable.
Unfortunately, couples find their sexual desires differ substantially at different times. It is easy to understand why a mother's sexual desire may ebb. If a partner does not empathize it may place a huge strain on a relationship. However, it is something we all need to understand as, for the most part, a natural occurrence. Patience and understanding most often allows the differences in desire to pass. Tension and strain pushes them into a vicious cycle where the differences are heightened. Stress never makes sexual activity a desire or pleasure. Any conflict whether acknowledged or not can obviously result in a lack of sexual desire.
Speaking of tension, a mother or father may suffer additional stress when the reality of caring, providing and being responsible for another life for at least the next twenty years takes hold. Perhaps a couple is new to a neighbourhood and lacks emotional support or perhaps a child or family member is ill. With all this stress it's a wonder a mom or dad feels sexual at all.
You can see that factors affecting sexual desire are varied and complex. So what does one do? Plan sexual activity when you are least tired and least likely to be interrupted by the cry of a child - afternoon naptime may be good. Make sure you have a reliable method of birth control if you are worried about pregnancy. You must make sure that you are giving to yourself, not just to your child and your partner. This can create a great feeling of resentment over time. Try to fit in some time for yourself to relax on your own - a quiet bath or exercise may be good choices. Perhaps buying yourself some clothes that you feel attractive in and putting some effort into your appearance will contribute to feeling good about your new role and it's integration into your life. Attempt to talk to your partner about how his impatience with your sexual desire may be contributing to the problem. Or conversely be patient with his lack there of. Patience, foreplay, romance and time are all fair demands on your part. Some couples watch or read erotica together or individually to stimulate sexual desire. Learning to fantasize is also a helpful method of increasing sexual desire or stimulation. Try different behaviours. Use a water-soluble lubricant (bought in the contraceptive area of a store). The sensation of lubricant is pleasant for both partners. You could both make a trip to a store specializing in sexual items - erotic literature, lingerie - all may be helpful to make sex fun and exciting rather than another demand on you. Give it time and patience. Perhaps use a professional's guidance to help talk it through. Most of all, realise that although it's kept hush hush, one or the other's lack of sexual desire is a very common non-event in a couple's love life. It too will pass."
