My Child, The Winner

By Dr. Jim Fay

The greatest gift we can give children is the knowledge that they can first rely on themselves for the answers to their problems. A child who develops an attitude which says, "I can probably find my own solutions, and if not, adults will be willing to give me some advice," becomes a survivor. This child usually has the edge in learning, relating to others, and making his or her way in the world.

People often ask how they can support their children to ensure they excel. This often means, "What can I do to make sure my child gets ahead or is a winner? Sometimes it means, "What can I do to help my child be successful, feel secure, and lead a happy life?" It doesn't matter which question is asked. The answer is the same.

The foundation for success lies in the belief that the best solution to any problems comes from within. Then if you don't find the answers ask for advice from others.

Parents and teachers can help children develop this attitude by being understanding and sympathetic each time a child has a problem. This can be done in a variety of ways such as, "I bet that really bothers you," or "Wow! I bet that makes you feel mad," or "If that happened to me, I would really feel..."

These types of statements usually bring about some kind of response which conveys that the child is relieved that we understand. As soon as we see that response, it is time to ask one of the most important questions children ever hear, What do you think you are going to do about it?" This is a powerful statement because it implies that we know the child is capable of doing his or her own thinking.

This question is often answered by, "I don't know." This is a good time to offer some different kinds of solutions. We discuss the possible consequences with the youngster, and then allow the child to choose the solution he/she likes best, even if it means that the child decides not to solve his/her problem.

Children have too few opportunities to learn about and practice for the real world. These opportunities present themselves most often as problems to solve or decisions to make. Each time I move into the situation, solve the problem or rescue the child, I have stolen one of the child's growth experiences. He or she is now less prepared to face the real world than if I had been there with the understanding and the questions, "What are you going to do about it?"

Contributed by "Single Rose - Resource for Single Mothers