Nighttime Parenting - Babies and Sleep

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By Sara Dimerman

I have come to the conclusion that there is a very real difference between day and nighttime parenting. Although most parents feel fairly confident within the first few months as day time parents, feeling competent as a night-time parent takes more time and a lot more energy.

Parents struggling with getting their children to sleep at night or getting them back to sleep once they wake up, often turn to experts for advice. One of the most popular books on helping your child sleep is How to Solve your Child's Sleep Problems by Richard Ferber. He has become so well known for his approach in helping parents re-educate their children around healthy sleeping habits, that applying his techniques has often been referred to as "Ferberizing."

I have always encouraged parents to read both his book and that by William Sears, Nighttime Parenting, so as to gain a well-rounded perspective on the subject. Sears advocates a "family bed" approach and primarily writes about the child's needs. As parents, I think we are often torn between our own needs and those of our children. My six-year-old daughter has never slept well on her own and often asks, "how come you guys get to sleep together when I sleep alone?" She has a good point, I think. I can't really convince myself that it's good enough to tell her that she too will sleep with someone when the time is right. On the other hand, a little voice inside my head often asks, louder and louder, "what about my needs? When do I get a chance to sleep through without interruption?"

Over the last six years I have vacillated between being consistent with Ferberizing and letting her into our bed. As a parent educator I know that when I make an exception, "just this once," she thinks that the rules have changed forever. When our daughter was younger, I found that being consistent, cutting back on nap times and ensuring that she slept through the night actually produced very positive results. She was less cranky during the day, more alert and more co-operative and so were we. During these times of consistency, I had to remain absolutely firm. This meant no more climbing in-between us at 3am just because I couldn't bear the thought of getting up and taking her back to her room.

At the time, we grappled with parts of Ferber's stringent approach, which included shutting and holding the door to her room for a regulated period of time if she continued to try to leave. We tried that for one night but couldn't bear to hear the traumatized screams on the other side. Finally, we followed the less harsh approach and bought a baby gate and attached it to the wall in the doorway leading into her room. We told her that the gate would keep her safe, but that she did not need to feel afraid since we could see inside and she could see out.

It took several gate closings and numerous tantrums at various intervals that night to prove that we were going to be consistent.

The following night we were awake between 2 and 5 am. Many more gate closings later and hours of "I'm afraid, I want to be with you" and other such lines as desperate measures to get us to give in.

One more night of heartache, but she only woke for one hour and the following night". voila!! She slept through.

So, although the nurturing, compassionate side of me welcomes my daughter into bed at 3 am. (despite my holding onto the side of the bed for fear of falling out), the academic side of me believes that Ferberizing is most probably the best bet for a good night's sleep for all ˆ that is, unless you have a king sized bed and not feeling any of the effects of sleep deprivation yourself !!

© Sara Dimerman B.A.A., Dip.C.S., all rights reserved