Parents Who React RIGHT to Report Cards Guarantee Great Results!

By Jeanette Kasper

You take one look at those marks and the frustration sets in. How many times do you have to explain that good work habits are a life skill he or she has to learn! And look at that science mark! That project you did (I mean, made suggestions on!) deserved better marks! What happened? If that frustration shows in your voice; if you make the fatal mistake of getting the least little bit irritated, frustrated, angry, annoyed, or outright furious about the marks, you are guaranteeing worse marks, next time. Did you have these same feelings and conversations over report cards last year? Your response is a big part of the problem.

In her book Anger is NOT an Emotion, Calgarian author Jeanette Kasper proves that anger is not an emotion. Anger is our defense mechanism of attacking others. "We only need to defend ourselves when we don't feel safe. The emotion is fear. The action or intent to attack is our anger." If you get the least bit angry about their marks, you are attacking. They have to defend themselves. No choice. If they are old enough, their first line of defense is to argue. Teenagers will argue that the marks aren't their fault. "The teacher gave those marks out of spite!" (Yeah, right!) The second line of defense, and one that kids of all ages will revert to is: the exact behavior you want changed, will get worse. Most of us have done this - we decide to go on a diet and for the next three days PIG OUT! Or we decide to start an exercise regime - and become a worse couch potato than ever for the next week! (Don't ever make both goals at the same time!!) We are in defense mode, and trying to prove that the initial behavior was right.

To change, we have to prove that our initial behavior was right. In getting frustrated with the kids over their marks, you are showing and telling them that their behavior was wrong. "They didn't work hard enough." You are also attacking them. The only option you have given them is to defend their original behavior - the marks will be worse, next report card. The word “Don’t” can’t get to the thinking brain to be processed, because the safety brain has taken over. So, where does the “Don’t” go? It’s gone. And the picture the kids have is, “Leave your shoes at the front door.” And they are so good at following instructions, they leave them there every single time!

Instead, agree that what they did this time was exactly right, given the circumstances (first semester, first year in a new school, new subjects, or whatever you can agree with). You have left the door wide open for them to change. They don't have to defend themselves from you. You are safe to be with. They might even admit they aren't happy with their marks, either. Then, together, you can come up with a strategy to help them gain better marks, next report card. Handle it wrong, and you guarantee worse marks, next time. Handle it right, and you leave the door wide open for future success.�