Pregnancy After Loss: How to Stay Sane

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By Ann Douglas

If you've previously lost a baby, your pregnancy may not feel like nine months; it may feel like an eternity. Here are some tips on staying sane from the time your pregnancy test comes back positive until your baby arrives.

• Make sure that your doctor or midwife understands that you will need extra reassurance–and perhaps even extra prenatal visits–during your subsequent pregnancy. If your caregiver doesn't appear to be particularly supportive, consider finding a new doctor or midwife.
• Be prepared to experience a mix of emotions–joy because you are pregnant again, guilt because you are feeling happy about being pregnant rather than continuing to grieve the loss of your previous baby, fear about losing another baby, anger at people who minimize your previous loss and/or make insensitive comments, and so on. These emotions can be difficult to sort through on your own. Consider joining a support group for women who are experiencing pregnancy after loss or seeing a therapist who specializes in grief support.
• Consider joining the Subsequent Pregnancy After Loss (SPALS) support group–an e-mail list for women who are contemplating pregnancy after loss or who are currently pregnant after losing one or more babies. You can find the subscribe information at the SPALS web site.
• Take things day by day. Purchase a pregnancy calendar or a copy of A.Christine Harris' excellent book The Pregnancy Journal (San Francisco: Chronicle Books) and mark the passage of each day.
• If you will be giving birth in the same hospital where you lost your previous baby, find out if it would be possible to schedule a private tour of the birthing unit before you go into labour. If you have particularly strong feelings about wanting to give birth in the same birthing room or a different birthing room, put this information in your birth plan and/or have your caregiver note it in your prenatal records. While it may not always be possible for the hospital to accommodate your wishes, it doesn't hurt to ask.

Ann and her husband Neil live in Peterborough, Ontario, with their four children Julie (9), Scott (8), Erik (6), and Ian (six months). A fifth child, Laura Ann, was stillborn in 1996 due to a true knot in her umbilical cord.