Pregnancy Loss |
The Importance of Finding and Seeking Support
When it comes to pregnancy loss, it seems that ‘the less said, the better.’ No one wants to discuss it and no one wants to hear about it. It’s considered a taboo subject and only is it discussed in hushed conversations. Yet our aunts have lost pregnancies, as did our grandmothers, our mothers, our sisters, our friends. Pregnancy loss is so common, yet rarely is it an open topic of discussion. And because it is something of a forbidden subject, grieving parents are left to feel isolated in their grief and devastation. They feel that there is nowhere to turn and they feel that no one understands.
But there are people who do understand and there is somewhere to turn. It helps to be with people who can listen when you want or need to talk and it helps to be with people who will give you the support and comfort you need. Support for pregnancy loss survivors can be found in at a local church, hospital, community center and online. Whether the pregnancy was lost in the early weeks or the final month, there is support available for grieving parents.
I certainly did not feel that way over 12 years ago, when I suffered the first of three pregnancy losses. I was sent home from my D & C, broken-hearted and with very little information on what to do, once I physically recovered. It was never suggested to me that I find support from other grieving parents through a support group for pregnancy loss. I resumed my “normal” activities once I felt better physically and I moved on, so to speak. I went back to work, enjoyed my lunch dates with my friends and within a few months, I was pregnant with my now 12 year old daughter. I moved forward, yes; but looking back, I never truly moved on. And I believe that is because I was not offered and given the proper support in dealing with my loss. With my other two losses, I had living children and I guess that I felt fortunate that ‘at least, I was a mother.’ Unfortunately, I never sought the help that was available and that is something I deeply regret. I truly believe that my emotional recovery would not have been compromised, had I been given the proper support.
Nothing prepares a father or mother-to-be for the shock and pain of losing a pregnancy. A baby did not have to be born after nine months in order to be loved and treasured. A baby was anticipated and wanted and it was taken away without permission, consent or notice. The loss needs to be grieved and mourned by the parents but they need to be reassured that there is no timeline on the grief process. A pregnancy loss is not something that someone just “gets over” in a matter of days. It is a true loss, just like the loss of a pet, the death of a family member or a friend.
It is imperative that the grieving parents are offered and given support by people who understand (and appreciate) that a pregnancy loss is a real loss. Their feelings should not be minimized with an unkind comment and their loss must not be trivialized. Too often, those closest to us – our friends and family members – tell us what they think is the right thing to say but is really the last thing we should hear:
“It was God’s way”
“It was better that it happened now, rather than later”
“At least you have other children”
Each of these statements might be true but none of them offer us comfort or take away the pain. And I can honestly say that the emotional pain is going to be there, far longer than the physical pain of a loss. Some days might be better than others and the grieving parent might find him/herself laughing at a joke or feeling happy. This doesn’t mean that he/she has forgotten the pain of losing a baby. There may be days when the grieving parent wants to curl up in a fetal position and cry until there are no tears left. The best advice I have given grieving parents is to take it one day at a time. That is all that any of us can really do.
Today, support is available; it’s merely a matter of leafing through a yellow pages or doing a quick Internet search. There are pregnancy loss support groups, both online and off, virtually all over the world. Most of them were started by women (and men) who experienced pregnancy loss first-hand and who want to reach out to others. There are support groups in Australia, England, and the United States. There are support groups at the local hospital, church, community center and synagogue. Google the word “pregnancy loss support group” and there will be pages upon pages of valuable information. There are support groups for ectopic pregnancy loss, stillbirths and the loss of a multiple pregnancy. There are support groups for grieving fathers, grieving mothers, grieving siblings, and grieving grandparents. Support is available. It’s just a matter of seeking it out. And once support is found, the healing of pregnancy loss can truly begin.
Excerpted from Remembering Our Angels/After the Loss: Personal Stories of Healing by Hannah Stone. Lulu Press
