Searching for Authenticity |
One Mom’s Journey
I never planned past this point.Isn’t that silly? All my life, I envisioned each next step. When I was in grade two, it was grade three. In junior high school I fretted over high school. I earned good grades in high school to get into university, and at university I planned to graduate and apply to live and teach in Japan. After Japan I would get a job then get married, have two children and leave my job to stay home with them. Check. Check. Check. Um, now what?
Now I’m a married woman with two children who feels … lost. A woman who focused on proceeding to each prescribed next step without ever really stopping and seriously considering what she wanted to accomplish in life. I love my husband. I love my children. But, dare I say it? Can I admit it? It’s just not enough for me. Am I a bad wife? A bad mother? How can nurturing and caring for my beautiful, vibrant family not be enough for me??
In my search for inspiration this year, I’ve been reading Sarah Ban Breathnach’s Simple Abundance. In it she encourages the reader to find her authentic path. Now, I have never been a spiritual person. Never believed in fate, a guiding force or a higher power. I thought people who talked about an inner voice should be hugging trees, wearing too many beaded necklaces, pairing long paisley skirts with Birkenstocks. Two years ago, I wouldn’t have known my authentic path from a bike path. But, with Breathnach’s encouragement, I am giving my inner voice a shot. This time, when I encountered an interesting story and that little voice said, “That would make a good book,” I didn’t immediately discount it. When the usual suspects of fear and self sabotage reared their ugly heads with, “Who do you think you are?” and “You have two small children, where are your priorities?” I didn’t let them take over.
Now that I’m no longer foiling my own journey, my path is appearing before me. And my life has taken a decidedly, let’s call it, serendipitous turn. Things seem to happen for a reason. Could it be that, having found my path, for the first time I notice there are sign posts along the way? Perhaps there were signs all along, but I didn’t understand their significance without knowing my destination.
Recently, I attended a workshop on food and nutrition. Eating healthy, the nutritionist explained, is something the whole family must participate in. If you feed your small children healthy food while yourself binging on cookies and potato chips, eventually they will emulate your bad habits. That got me thinking: maybe living authentically follows the same rules. If part of being a good mother is setting an example through my own actions, how can I encourage my children to go out and follow their dreams if I am sitting at home ignoring mine?
So I’m writing. I’m writing to restore creativity, passion in my life. I’m writing hoping it’s not too late. I’m writing because it scares me and I want to start doing things that scare me. I’m writing so I can genuinely tell my children, figure out what makes you happy and pursue it, don’t listen when people say you can’t, it won’t work, it’s too hard … even when that person is you. I want to stop waiting for my life to start, stop living unconsciously, stop being intimidated, stop censoring my ambitions, stop being my own worst critic. I’m writing to learn, to grow, to be inspired.
And I think, I’m on the right path.
About the Author
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Paula Culp
Paula Culp is the full-time, stay-at-home mother of Max, 6, and Sarah, 3. She is currently on a quest for her authenticity (while struggling with potty training and making healthy lunches … not in that... Learn more about Paula Culp
Leanne | November 20, 2007 at 8:44 am - §
Wow. Good for you. This is a tough thing to do and I admire you for taking this path. Good luck with it and thanks for sharing the inspiration!
Lorena J. Tesoro | November 26, 2007 at 11:55 am - §
Hi, I'm also stay home mom, taking care of my 3 yr old daughter. I can relate myself to all the things that you have been too. Thanks for sharing.
Dawn | November 26, 2007 at 3:45 pm - §
I've been thinking a lot lately about what I'm going to do once my youngest is in school, so I relate to everything you just wrote! Good luck with your quest!