Self-Discipline

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• Tweens
• Teen Years
• Raising Emotionally Intelligent Teenagers

By Diane Wolf

1. Don't rescue. As difficult as it is to watch our teens flounder, it is far worse to raise young adults who cannot take responsibility for their actions and expect Mom or Dad to rescue them. This is a lot easier to enforce when they are young and the consequences of their actions are less serious. I would rather have a child in Grade 5 forget a lunch and have to rely on classmates to share, than to have a high school student forget a major essay at home on the day it is due! If you are always reminding your children to take their lunch, books etc., then don't be surprised when your teenager is calling for you to bring his gym bag or science project. As tough as it seems, you can't always be available to rescue your child, so let them learn that early.

2. Gradually work yourself out of a job. I believe it was the late Erma Bombeck who described parenting as gradually becoming redundant. By the time your teens reach young adulthood, you will want to make that transition from parent/advisor to friend. It is easier to go through this process if it is gradual. Start when they are young to let them make decisions about clothing etc. so that when they are this age they are experienced decision makers.

3. Let them experience the consequences of their own actions whenever possible (and if not dangerous). It may be really obvious to you that your teen cannot possibly do a complete essay in 2 hours on Sunday evening, but nagging him all weekend will only make YOU the bad guy. Why not let him discover on his own just how un-glamourous pulling an all-nighter really is!

4. Give one word reminders. Teenagers have a notoriously short attention span, especially for nagging. Saying just one word "Garbage" is really more effective than a 5 minute lecture on the importance of taking responsibility, or a litany of all the chores you had to do when you were her age. They really do tune out after the first word or so, so make it count!

5. Trust them in the little things, and let them grow. It is human nature that we tend to live up to the expectations placed upon us. If someone believes that I am dependable, it makes me really want to be as dependable as possible. So show your teen that you trust them by giving them opportunities to prove they are trustworthy. If your teen has shown in the past that he or she is NOT trustworthy, give them the chance to become trustworthy by starting small and working up to more important tasks.

6. Keep your sense of humour. Don't take yourself too seriously. If your teen thinks you are the meanest parent in the world, don't take it personally. I used to tell my kids that I graduated top of my class in meanness school, and I was glad that they didn't think I needed a refresher. This was NOT said sarcastically, but with a smile and warmth, but the message came through that telling me I am mean is NOT an insult.

7. Give them regular responsibilities. Running a household is a job requiring a TEAM effort, whether or not there is a full-time parent in the home. Make your teen feel that they are an important player on the team by giving them tasks that are significant to the well-being of the family. I bet you have never looked at setting the table or taking out the garbage quite that way before.

8. Pick your battles wisely. The teenage years are an emotional mine field. Don't turn every issue into a Waterloo. Decide which things are REALLY important and don't worry about the little things. As Ann Landers said "Don't sweat the small stuff." For example, you may decide that body piercing is absolutely taboo, but then ease up on make-up or hair colour.

9. Insist on excellence. There is a common strategy among teens and children to avoid having to do chores by doing them so poorly, that we give up and decide it is easier to do the job ourselves. Don't give in, this is a scam! Teach your teen the standard you expect for the task, and insist that it is done to that standard or will need to be redone. It may take 6 weeks of agony and constant inspection, but they will eventually learn that it is easier to do it right the first time, than to re-do it 10 times.

10. Always give unconditional love. We need to separate the feeling of love from the deliberate choice to show love. We can't always FEEL very loving, but our teens need to know that we will love and support them NO MATTER WHAT! Love is not a reward for a job well-done, it is a constant state of being accepted by our families, when things go well and when our flaws are obvious, warts and all.

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