Solving Sibling Rivalry

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Squabbling children respond best to this three-pronged approach.

By Nicola Lyle, M.Ed.

Squabbles between siblings are as inevitable as they are exasperating. The good news is that a certain amount of sibling rivalry is normal. In fact, the wrangling between brothers and sisters can teach children valuable skills, such as sharing, problem solving, and empathy.

Although we can’t force our children to like or even love each other, we can set limits and expectations regarding how they treat each other. The best way to tackle sibling rivalry is through prevention, intervention, and resolution.

Prevention

Battles between siblings are easier to manage when there are fewer of them. The following pointers should help prevent (some of) the blowups.

• Avoid comparisons, such as “Why can’t you remember to hang your coat up? Your brother is younger and he takes care of his things.” Remember even favourable comparisons, such as, “Your sister couldn’t draw nearly as well when she was your age,” can heighten competition and resentment between children.
• Don’t play favourites with children by giving one more of your attention, time, or affection. It’s natural for your relationship with each child to be different, but avoid thinking of one child as “better” than the other.
• Spend regular one-on-one time with each child to diminish the battle for attention.
• Encourage siblings to talk about and respect each other’s boundaries regarding toys, personal belongings, and space. Each child should have some items that are “just his” and don’t have to be shared.
• Treating children equally does not prevent sibling rivalry because no two slices of pie, stretches of time, or special outings can ever be exactly equal. Instead of equal treatment, give according to need.

Intervention

Sometimes the best intervention is no intervention at all. Although it’s infuriating to listen to children bickering, it’s usually best to let them resolve the issue on their own. Here are some guidelines on when and how you should intervene.

• When the bickering is escalating to screaming, name-calling, or physical fighting (or you have very young children), then it’s time to step in until everyone has cooled down. It’s tempting for parents to take sides, try to assess “who started it”, and blame one child. But when siblings fight, it’s often hard to sort out who did what. Instead of taking sides, set some ground rules for each child to tell his side of the story (no name-calling, blaming, or yelling) and listen.
• Acknowledge how difficult it can be to work out an argument and express your confidence that they can find a way to resolve the situation respectfully.

Resolution

Sometimes siblings seem to fight the same battle over and over again. So it may be time for parents to take a problem-solving approach.

• Have a family meeting to discuss the issue. Pick a time when everyone involved is relaxed and rested.
• Set ground rules to minimize hurt feelings.
• Let each child tell his own story without interruption while you record it. Then read it back to make sure you’ve captured what each child means.
• Brainstorm some strategies together. For instance, if a child complains that his older sister doesn’t want to play with him when her friends are over, a strategy you might suggest is, “How about the next time Jill has her friends over, you and I play a board game?” Write down every suggestion without evaluating it.
• Pick three strategies and try them. Come back at another time to assess how well the strategies are working.

It’s unlikely that you’ll ever eliminate sibling rivalry from your home, but it’s comforting to know that most brothers and sisters treat each other lovingly at least as often as they tussle. Remind yourself of that the next time you’re trying to ignore a power struggle over whose turn it is to set the table!