Stepfamily Life

School Doesn't Have to Spell Stress for Stepfamilies

By Dawn Miller

With all of the kids now back in school, it’s only a matter of time until report cards come home. We hope. Last year my husband learned the hard way that just because his custody agreement says he is supposed to see progress reports for his kids, it doesn’t mean that he will.

After a teacher emailed him, he found out that his 15 year-old son was in danger of flunking a class. When he contacted his ex-wife to let her know about it, she coolly replied that she already knew about the problem and was “handling it.”

For my husband, it was like a slap in the face. His son lives with us part-time during the school week, don’t we have a right to know if he’s struggling with his schoolwork? After a dialogue, we set up study times at both houses, and my stepson improved his grade.

It was an unusual incident because our inter-household relations are typically peaceful – everyone in the equation supports the kids. But even for us, going back to school opens up a can of worms. Especially when it comes to report cards and finding out what is going on at school. And we’re not alone.

Lots of stepfamilies out there have the same communication problem. It’s compounded by an educational system that does not yet fully accommodate children raised by dual households. Typically schools send one copy of a report card home with students – whichever household the child is not going home to on the day that report cards are doled out often ends up shortchanged.

With stepfamilies raising 30% of America’s children, some schools are adjusting to meet their needs. There are teachers like John Ford, who teaches fifth grade in California and sends a weekly progress report and newsletter home on Fridays with each student. For his students living in two households, he faxes a copy to the other parent, ensuring that both homes know about projects and upcoming field trips. School websites and phone-in calendars make it easier for us to stay involved.

But staying connected can mean being creative. Last year when the report cards didn’t appear after a couple of reminders, my husband, that devious darling, dangled a financial incentive before the kids and the report cards came reeling in. Fortunately, we haven’t had to do that again. The kids got the message that Dad and stepmom want to know how they are doing in school and they cough up the report cards. After the near-flunking incident, his ex got the message too.

School doesn’t have to spell stress for stepfamilies. You can start building a co-parenting arrangement by doing what the experts recommend – rely on adults to transmit information. If you are on the receiving end of the report cards, be considerate and relay the grades to your ex-spouse before they are asked for. If you despise talking to your ex, find another way to communicate besides talking in person or over the phone like email or faxes.

If you have an ex-spouse who refuses to play nice, you can visit the school and view your child’s records because of the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act. If you have to resort to this tactic – make an appointment, show up on time and be courteous to the school staff. It’s unfortunate that your ex won’t share information, but the important thing to focus on is your child’s well-being.

For us, resolving the report card issue boils down to figuring out how we can best support the kids. Isn’t that what it should be about?