Stepfamily Life: Stepmom Vs. The Ex: Declare a Ceasefire

By Dawn Miller

When I decided to invite my husband’s ex-wife to Thanksgiving dinner at my house last year, more than a few people thought I had lost my mind. When I didn’t have a car for a few days, she offered me a ride to the grocery. When she lost her job, I gave her some leads. A lot of people are surprised to hear that I don’t have a running blood feud with my husband’s ex-wife. Why try to keep a ceasefire with my husband’s ex-wife?

It’s good for my marriage. I read a stack of books before my wedding to study up for the role of stepmom and discovered that my marriage would be stronger if I could figure out how to maintain a ceasefire with my husband’s ex-wife.

It’s also good for my relationship with my husband’s children. Two of my three teenaged stepchildren live with us part-time and the third is in college. If we had open hostilities with their mom, it would be tougher to have a strong relationship with the kids. It would be more difficult to sit together at graduations and swim meets and cheer for the kids if we were harboring seething remarks and about to explode.

Even though the kids roam between and within our homes, I find that boundaries are important in keeping the peace. The ex and I respect each other’s turf. We don’t just walk into each other’s homes. Thanksgiving day is the only time she has ever entered my home. When I picked up my stepdaughter from school crying over an injury in gym class and drove her to her mom’s house is the only time I have entered hers.

There’s a delicate balance between observing the boundaries between us, and keeping the lines of communication open. She can call the kids when they are at our house, and we can call them when they are at her house. Both she and I make an effort to be cordial and polite on the phone and in person. My conversations with her are about the kids, their pick-up schedules, and innocuous things like their new puppy.

I try not to view his ex as a threat to me in my role as a wife, and I try not to be a threat to her in her role as a mother. Is it easy? No. It’s pretty tough. There is plenty of potential for conflict – like finances, insurance, holidays, and custody scheduling. The stresses we experience are no different than those felt by other stepfamilies, we’ve just figured out ways to manage conflict when it happens. Because it inevitably will.

One of our cardinal rules to keeping the peace - we keep adult problems among the adults. If I have a complaint about my husband’s ex-wife, I tell my husband privately and away from the ears of my stepkids. We discuss it together and then decide if something needs to happen. Then he calls her during the day to talk about it away from the ears of the kids. This strategy prevents us from overreacting, gives us venting room, and helps keep the kids out of the crossfire.

Another basic for keeping the peace with the ex – my husband does the negotiating with his ex-wife about heavy-duty kid stuff. I might phone her to iron out a minor scheduling problem, but I stay out of the big negotiating issues that carry conflict or are laden with years of issues. Of course, my husband and I talk a lot about the issues and we decide how to handle them, but this strategy keeps me from being tarred and feathered.

She’s not my best friend and confidante, and she probably never will be. But she is part of my life. Having a ceasefire with her is in my best interest as a wife and stepmom.