Talking to our Kids About Sex?? |
We are surrounded by messages about sexuality. Messages vary from the obvious to the subtle, from the written and visual images of mass media to "dirty" and sexist jokes. Even buying our children toys is full of sexuality messages regarding gender roles. The blue and pink aisles correspond to the trucks, guns and rough and tumble figures marketed to boys with the dolls and often sickly sweet items for "feminine" girls. We're surrounded by sexuality, but do we reflect on these messages or comment on their meaning to our children? Do we encourage questions about sexuality and are we comfortable with our answers?
Sexuality is a part of our lives that can bring fulfillment, excitement and satisfaction. We are sexual beings from birth until death. In fact, infancy may be the most sensual time of our lives. Constantly held and cuddled, kissed, caressed, cleaned and powdered and talked to in warm, loving tones, an infant learns how to be loved and to trust others. Many parents jump to the conclusion that talking about sexuality with their children means talking about sexual intercourse. Sexuality refers to much more than sexual intercourse. It involves how we feel about ourselves as boys and girls, men and women and how we present ourselves to members of the same and opposite sex. It is an integral part of our self-esteem and body image. It is also our sexual behaviour, including, but far from limited to, sexual intercourse. Sexuality is a significant part of our physiological, psychological, social and spiritual selves.
Many parents, while acknowledging this broader definition of sexuality get stuck on sexual behaviour. They question when you should start talking about sexuality or suggest that they can wait a few years to talk to their 3 year old son or daughter. We give our children a sexuality education from the first time we hold them. From our role modeling, children learn how we behave and interact with people we love or how we react to sexist or aggressive comments, for instance. Role modeling is the most powerful tool we have to teach our children about the many of aspects about sexuality. Even though we behave automatically and unthinkingly in many situations, the impact is enormous in the mind of the little person beside us.
Sexuality education is an ongoing, lifelong process. Our replies to children's questions, although important, are only part of how we influence our children. The messages we give are often unspoken. For example, a television show with a kissing scene might be switched to a different channel, turned off, the children whooshed out of the room or we may suddenly find a book more interesting or have something to do somewhere else in the home. How could a nonverbal message be more potent? If we become embarrassed, ignore or delay answering a question that makes us uncomfortable our children will quickly conclude that this is a topic that Mum or Dad do not want to talk about. The reason may be pure conjecture on the part of children. After all what else do they have to go on other than the parent's non-response. Children may think that the topic is just too naughty or bad to talk about - it is unmentionable. Alternatively, misinformation from parents will eventually be discovered by children. In both cases, they will likely exclude their parents as a reliable source of information around sexuality issues and choose to go elsewhere. Facial expressions, tone of voice and body language give children obvious and strong cues that parents are uncomfortable with certain topics. A parent must be very aware of these responses and at least admit to the discomfort while stating that the discussion is important to them and that they are glad the child asked the question. In all cases parents must be ready to be honest about their feelings and their values.
Although children are surrounded by messages about sexuality from within and outside the home, parents often hesitate and fear talking about the issues with their children. Literature states that if children have not begun to ask about sexuality issues by 4 years of age, parents need to begin to initiate the topic. The majority of teenagers polled wished that parents were the primary source of sexuality information. However, most often teens go to their friends for information (or misinformation)!
Talking and role modelling are key factors that allow parents to effectively communicate their own values, provide accurate information, nurture self-esteem and influence healthy, responsible decision-making around sexuality. Our children are getting a sex education just from living in this world. Let's make sure it is one augmented by the people who care the most for their well-being.
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