Teen Communication

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• Teen Years
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By Diane Wolf

1. Ask open-ended questions without interrogating. Don't ask too many questions, try asking a question and sharing some information yourself. If you aren't sure how to do this, imagine your teenager is an adult acquaintance, and don't say anything to your teen that you would not say to this person.
2. Take your teen out for a bite to eat in a quiet coffee shop or restaurant (not one that he normally frequents with his friends, he won't want to be "caught" with his Mom or Dad) for a one-on-one conversation. If you have "issues" to discuss, make sure that you use the sandwich technique. Start by praising your teen for something that you appreciate, put the "issue for improvement" in the middle of the conversation, and then make sure to close your conversation with lots of positives. Take your teen out sometimes for ONLY positive discussion, to ask his/her opinion on something fun like fashion, sports or music, or to dream about vacation plans.
3. Invite feedback from your teen. Let him/her know that you welcome input as long as it is given respectfully. Let your teen know that all subjects are open to discussion, even though as the adult you retain the right to make final decisions.
4. Listen between the lines: if your teen seems suddenly moody or difficult with you, it might not have anything to do with you. Don't take it personally if he/she doesn't want to talk about it. When you are down, it can be very frustrating to have someone asking "What's wrong?" Let your teen know that you care, and if he would like to talk about whatever is bothering him, you will make time to listen.
5. Offer choices. Don't assume that your teen is in the mood for a chat when you are. Let him/her offer an alternative time for a discussion if it isn't a good time. You can't force a good conversation, and I'm sure most of us have experienced the frustration of trying to carry on a conversation with a teen who gives the impression she would rather be getting a root canal than having a friendly chat with a parent.
6. Keep your sense of humour. Laughter really is the best medicine, and it is really hard to be sullen around someone who is having fun! I have been known to physically pick up a grumpy teenager and announce that "I'm not putting you down until you smile". This is irresistible, but only works when they haven't had a growth spurt yet. Be careful to have fun, but never to tease a teen about a sensitive issue. Laugh at yourself, not them!
7. Enjoy quiet times together even if you aren't having a conversation. Comfortable silence is still communicating the message of caring ie. Fishing, canoeing, walking, cross-country skiing, washing dishes. You don't always have to be talking to be fostering communication.
8. Listen to the music your teen listens to (even if you don't like the style). You need to know what influences your teen, and if you like it you will have something to talk about. (Of course, if you really like it, your teen may decide they don't like it after all!) My 18 year old daughter was shocked to discover that I actually owned some CDs that she likes! (She immediately borrowed them, semi-permanently of course.) The same principle applies to TV shows and movies. Don't be afraid to offer your opinion if you find their choices unacceptable. You don't have to be "cool", you are the parent. At least your teen will know you care enough to want to know what they are watching and listening to.
9. Show affection in various ways ˆ learn to speak their "love language". Despite the perversions that occur in our society, teens NEED non-sexual touch from their parents. Don't be afraid to hug, ruffle their hair, squeeze their shoulders etc. Show affection more than simply physically ˆ give verbal encouragement, write little notes, pick up a little gift now and then, do one of their chores for "no good reason" sometime. Our teens desperately need to feel loved and important to us!
10. Never give up! Forgive easily! Teenagers are NOT always easy to get along with (that isn't a news flash, is it?) Do you remember being a teen yourself? Insist they apologize for rude or disrespectful behaviour, but don't dwell on it. Continue to treat them the way you wish to be treated, even when they don't deserve it. Communicate love and compassion even when they mess up!