The Cottage Contract

Summer Vacation

By Ann Douglas

Bringing together three generations for a week-long getaway at the cottage seemed like a good idea at the time. My attention-loving father would have the opportunity to demonstrate his remarkable windsurfing acumen to three suitably awestruck Grandpa-groupies; my three computer-dependent children - Julie (7), Scott (5), and Erik (4) - would be so besmitten with the wonders of the great outdoors that they'd finally be convinced that life can be every bit as exciting as anything that's available on CD-ROM; and I'd finally get my long-overdue chance to stretch out on the dock and feast my book-hungry eyes on a smorgasbord of paper and ink.

Well, at least that was the plan. By the fifth day of our joint vacation, it was hard to tell which of us was the more miserable Dad (because his cottage had been invaded by a fast-moving tribe of grandchildren who were bound and determined to wear their wet bathing suits on his brand new couch), the kids (because he'd been on their case so often that they'd blended the words "Grandpa" and "grumpy" to come up with a new name for him - "Grampy"), or me (because I was the one who'd come up with this wretched idea of bringing three generations together in the first place!)

After Erik wet the new mattress on Grandpa's bed, and Scott popped the screen out of the sleeping cabin door that Grandpa had spent the previous day repairing, we decided that drastic measures were required to stabilize everyone's blood pressure and restore family harmony. Dad mumbled something convincing about having pressing matters to attend to back in the city, and headed for the marina. When he showed up again a few days later to reclaim his lakeside paradise, we did the only decent thing that could be done after what we'd put him through. We loaded up the boat with a week's worth of laundry and quickly said our goodbyes to the rather aptly named Go Home Lake!

While I'm cautiously optimistic that Dad will once again extend an invitation to spend time with him at the cottage, if we do decide to go the joint vacation route again, we're going to have to come up with a Cottaging Contract that both sides can live with.

(Needless to say, it won't be easy. After all, finding someone who is qualified to come up with the right language for the Cottage Contract is next to impossible now that increasing number of lawyers are taking the easy route and opting to specialize in international trade or constitutional law rather than cottage liability law - a specialty that many quite rightly describe as being clouded with more shades of grey than a foggy Muskoka morning!)

But assuming we do happen to luck out and manage find some fourth-generation cottager with degrees in both law and family therapy, these are just a few of the points that we want our Cottage Contract to address:

Definition of vandalism versus routine wear and tear and/or accidents. Vandalism shall be defined as the willful damaging of cottage property (i.e. deliberately flushing pine needles or small pebbles down the toilet to see what happens). Routine wear and tear shall be defined as the inevitable breakdown of cottage property due to 30 or more years of active use (i.e. the longterm effect of the pine needles and pebbles that we flushed down the toilet when my sisters and I were kids). Accidents will be defined as unfortunate occurrences that tend to happen more often when kids are in the room (i.e. accidentally dropping a toy car into the toilet and flushing.) And in the event that damages are assessed (ideally by an impartial bystander like the nice man who pumps gas at the marina), Revenue Canada's standard rate of depreciation for septic pumps shall be deemed to apply.

Noise levels Excessive noise shall be defined as (1) noise that drowns out the sounds of the chain saw-happy cottager in the next bay; and (2) noise that results in a mass exodus via land, water, or air of wildlife and/or other cottagers. Julie, Scott, and Erik (hereafter referred to as "the grandchildren") shall hereby agree to refrain from shrieking every time a dragonfly comes within a hundred metres of their inner tube, and Grandpa shall agrees to turn down the volume on his hearing aid whenever anyone under the age of majority comes within shouting or splashing distance.

Trade-Offs and Mutual Expectations Any and all areas of agreement shall be clearly documented in the Cottage Contract. Extensive negotiations to date have resulted in three noteworthy concessions Grandpa agrees to allow the grandchildren to sit on the new couch in their bathing suits if - and only if - their bathing suits are wrapped in thick, dry towels; the grandchildren promise to try to pee on the potty before they go to bed, even if they're sure they don't need to go; and I promise to forgive my Dad for being 30 years older than he was when I was a kid.

Ann Douglas is a freelance writer living in Peterborough, Ontario. Her father's cottage is on Go Home Lake in Muskoka.