The Couple Rut

7 signs you have fallen into a relationship rut

By Anna Kinloch

Mothers are cautioned about how easy it is to neglect their needs for the sake of their children. Makeover shows on television portray mothers who are re-invented and revitalized. Yet, with the increase of progressive dads who also attempt to share the parenting load, I have stumbled upon a newer phenomenon I call the Couple Rut – when both mother and father, engrossed in their parental duties, fall into an uninspired and possibly resentful way of life together.

After the birth of our son, my husband and I slogged through ten months of sleep deprivation. We also carried an intense and earnest desire to be “good” parents and to make our home “work”. Our financial situation changed considerably after I chose to be a full-time mother and my husband assumed the role of sole provider. Life had changed but our Couple Rut was not caused by our external situation but by how were choosing to respond to these changes.

Here are seven indicators that may help you assess whether you have fallen into a Couple Rut:

1.    Blame Game. Found beneath your frustration is an urge to blame your partner. This habit can form during periods of sleep deprivation or as you cope with the ongoing nature of parenting. Blame keeps you stagnant.

2.    Your Space. Your space frequently affects your mood. Your partner seems to never be doing enough around the house.

3.    Control. You’ve become nit-picky and pay attention to tedious details you never use to notice. You watch your partner closely as he/she accomplishes a task.

4.    Overly Earnest. Your desire to excel as a parent has made you inwardly serious and insecure. You fear being seen as the parent “who might not have it all together”. You are sensitive to your partner’s suggestions.

5.    Secret Judgments. If you’re honest, you find yourself judging your partner or other parents who may have a different parenting approach. Ruts are caused when we judge and fear alternatives, leaving no options for going forward.

6.    Mind on Over-Drive. You critically evaluate your past and future. Time does not feel on your side and you resent how your partner is spending his or her time.

7.    A Sense of Dread. You can’t see past the rut you are in and are scared that you and your partner might not climb out.

If you relate to these indicators try these seven rut-busting experiments:

1.    Monk Walk. Life is to be lived in the now - a second by second acceptance of what is. Your rut may be enhanced by your judgments and desire to be somewhere else. Go for a walk and pay attention only to the simple act of walking. If your mind wanders bring awareness back to each step.

2.    Let Loose. Titles such as “mother”, “wife”, or “homeowner” create emotional burdens. With your partner, brainstorm the titles you carry and end the time by acknowledging the importance of just being “you” in all of your many facets.

3.    Chore Filter. Is your partner the only resource you seek for help? Filter nagging to-do’s with this hand diagram. A task can be completed by me (thumb), others (pointer finger), based on time (middle finger), money (ring finger), and importance (pinky).

4.    Name Game. Blame is an inability to express how you feel and what you need as a result. List how you feel and what you need as a result. Be specific and ask your partner to do the same.

5.    Gifts Galore. Don’t underestimate a short two-hour bolt to the coffee shop to gain some clarity on life. Offer each other a “two hour gift” when in need.

6.    Get Shorty. If planning is important to you, plan for the short term. Plotting events or goals for completion within 2 to 4 months may add momentum and deter you from lumping parenthood into a daunting eight-teen plus year commitment.

7.    Stimulate. Sign up for a short course in something that interests you. Don’t worry about being practical; aim only to discover something new.