The Do's and Don'ts of Preparing Your Child for Their First Sleepover

By Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller

Your baby is growing up. You have kept her in the protection of your own home, teaching her your own values, ready at a moments notice if she needed you in the middle of the night. You have created a shell of safety and security around her that protects her and comforts you. Now she is ready to go out on her own. Well, at least for one night…to a friend's house…with a family you know.

So maybe your child is not heading off to college just yet. Still, that first overnight stay away from home without you can be exciting and scary for you and your child. The dos and don'ts that follow will help you create an experience that will be fun and comforting for your entire family.

• Do discuss the routine and evening plan with the other child's parent ahead of time. Once you know the plan, you can prepare you child for the evening by discussing it with her. The unknown often results in increased anxiety. By knowing and discussing the plan, you can eliminate as much of the unknown as possible.
• Do ask if there is anything special your child should bring to the sleep over. Does she need a pillow, sleeping bag, swim suit, money for going out to eat or to the movies, etc. Also discuss any special needs your child may have, medication, food allergies, night light, etc.
• Don't tell your child that everything will be fine. To say this would be to imply that there will be no problems and no unexpected concern will arise. You simply do not know if that is true or not. Instead, tell your child, "I know you'll be able to handle the evening's events." With these words you are saying to your child,"I know you will do a decent job handling whatever happens. If you wet the bed, get scared in the middle of the night, or dislike the food that is served, you are capable of working through the problems."
• Do empower you child with the words to use if a concern or fear happens to arise. For example, if your child finds himself on the receiving end of ridicule, you can empower her away from home by teaching her verbal responses such as, "I don't like it when you say those things to me," or "Please treat me with kindness when I am at your house."
• Do let your child know that with a simple phone call, they can come home at anytime. Reassure them that the experience of the first overnight stay can last as long or as short as they desire. The goal is to have fun and enjoy the evening. If the enjoyment comes to an end, they have the power to choose to come home. Make sure your child and the other parent know your cell phone number so they can reach you wherever you may be.
• Don't threaten your child in an attempt to manage their behavior. Avoid saying, "You better behave yourself while you are there tonight," or "Be good or this will be your last sleep over." Instead, talk to your child about opportunities and responsibilities. "You have the opportunity to have a special evening at your friend's house. Your responsibility is to be kind and respectful of their family rules while you are there."
• Do consider "red flags." A "red flag" is a possible concern that may arise based on your family values. For example, are there any smoker's is the house or any guns on the premises? Will there be any other sleep over guests? How are the internet, video games, and television monitored? Brainstorming with your partner will help ensure that you have checked for all the concerns that you value as a family.
• Do give your child a disposable camera to take pictures with throughout the evening. This will give your child something specific to talk about later with the family. Together, you can create a memory book and relive many of the experiences of this significant event in your child growth and development.
• Don't call to see if everything is going okay. Manage your anxiety in other ways. Go for a walk, clean the garage, or wash the car if necessary. Have a clear understanding between you and the other parent that she will call if anything is needed. Let your child spread her wings. You can handle it.
• Do be on time to pick-up your child the next day. Set a pick-up time and share it with your child before you drop her off. If there is any anxiety in your child and you are late for the pick-up, this will only increase there concern for future sleep-overs. If your child has the degree of fun you both expect, she won't want to come home at the set time. Stay firm on the pick up time and be there when expected. You are setting a president for the future times when she is with her friends and is required to be home at a designated time.
• Do debrief the evening with your child without acting like an interrogator. Ask questions that encourage your child to think through the evening. Ask, "What was the best part of the sleep-over?" "What did you do or learn at your friend's house that you can use over here?" "What would you do different next time?" "What kinds of things do they do different at their house?" Write down some of your child's responses to add to the memory book that you create when the pictures are developed.

Your child's first sleep-over at a friend's house doesn't have to be riddled with anxiety or fear. You can help your child create the positive experience you both desire. Use the ideas above to help your entire family have a relaxing, stress free sleep-over