The Rules of Life: Discipline

By Joanne Keating

I've been hearing a lot of controversy over the past few years about ways to discipline children. It got me thinking: what is discipline? So, I got out my trusty 30 lb. Webster's Dictionary and looked it up.

Not to bore anyone, but here it is: n. (L. from discipulus, a disciple, from disco, to learn) Training, education; instruction and the government of conduct or practice; the training to act in accordance with the rules. . .

It goes on from there but the part that struck me was the disciple part. I've read the Bible once or twice and never made the connection between a disciple and a spanking. I guess it just isn't there. However, to hear people talk about discipline, one would think that it was synonymous with punishment.

In fact, discipline is really all about teaching our children the behaviour we expect from them.

This is the difficult task, to define our expectations. It seems the list of rules goes on forever: Don't run in the house. Don't talk back to me. Don't talk with your mouth full. No running with scissors. You can't play baseball in the yard . . . .

The rules just go on and on. How can kids learn them all? How can they learn to figure out what rule would apply to a situation if Mom isn't there to tell them?

In our home, we have four rules and that is it. The first is the most important. It's the Golden Rule: Treat others the way you would want them to treat you.

Think about that one. It covers a whole range of problems that come up every day. Situation One: one child grabs a toy from another. If you turn the situation around, ask the child who took the toy how he would feel if the toy was taken from him. Is that the way he would want to be treated?

Situation Two: Your teen snaps a rude answer to your question. Ask if that is the way they would like their friends to treat them. Make them think about how it would feel if the situation was reversed.

Of course, the other part of this rule is that Mom and Dad have to follow it, too. That means treating our children with the same respect that we expect from others. Not always an easy task in the heat of the moment.

Our other three rules are really quite simple:

1. You can't do anything that will hurt another person.
2. You can't do anything that will hurt you.
3. You can't do anything that will hurt someone's things.

So, let's look back at that myriad of rules we had before. Don't run in the house. That one is covered by all three rules. You could hurt someone else, hurt yourself, or break something. How about the baseball in the yard one. Ask the children which one(s) of the rules does it break. Let them think about the consequences of their actions, about what could happen. Once they start to do this, there are always only the three rules to follow.

Empowering your children to make decisions about their actions teaches them to discipline themselves. It gives them the freedom to make wise choices without having a parent there to guide them. It turns them into responsible adults.

Still, what if they still go ahead and break the rules? Then, the consequences of their actions may become punishment. However, let's wait til next month to discuss that issue.

So, back to that definition of discipline. We are the teachers and our children are the disciples. It is up to us to teach them, from the earliest times in their life, what is acceptable behaviour in our homes, our schools, and our society. Our children's behaviour is a direct reflection on our teaching skills. If you need to sharpen those skills, please refer to last months article. Or, stay tuned until next month when we will discuss - Crime and Punishment.

1998© Joanne Keating, all rights reserved