Thinking and Feeling

By Bernadette Homerski

It is the day before the Interest Fair and Joe has been working on the display of hockey cards with his friend, Pete, for days. He opens the door and informs you that he will not be participating in the Interest Fair after all and goes to his room.

Somewhat baffled by this turn of events you sit down on the bed beside him and ask what happened. " Pete asked me why I had put the cards in that order and I said because I liked them that way and he said that it didn't look right that way and.." More tears.

Meanwhile, at Pete's house, the door swings open and a bewildered Pete tells his parent that the Interest Fair Project is not going to be presented. When questioned the response is "because Joe has done it this way and if we don't change it, it isn't going to look right and we won't have a chance for a prize!"

Sounds reasonable! In fact, that is the root of the conflict reason or logic versus harmony and appreciation. At the level of decision making we come at problems from two divergent points.

On the one hand the thinker values individual achievement over group cooperation and needs to be valued for his/her competence. This often makes them seem overly critical since they will often point out the flaws and errors of the task or topic at hand before appreciating the effort or relationships involved.

On the other hand, the feeling type has a great need for not only creating, but also maintaining harmony in any group. Pleasing others and spontaneously appreciating the good in them and their efforts is their highest value.

So, back to Joe and Pete and the Interest Fair Project. How can we help them? From Joe's perspective, the project is literally his way of creating something that can be shared with others. If he really understood the reason why he had put so much effort into this project he would be able to say " I put my heart and soul into this and it makes me feel good to share my ideas with others because the project is about people who are important to me and are good at what they do."

In other words, Joe works as though he is blowing up a balloon. He pumps and pumps himself through his personal perspective of the project into his work and it becomes "filled" with him as a person. So, the first criticism or lack of appreciation for the project is like a pin prick the whole thing "explodes" and is percieved as being worthless ( and by association, so is he !)

Pete, however, sees the project as a way of showing his expertise and would probably say " I want to do this project because it presents a subject that interests me and I have found some really interesting facts that no one else might know". Pete perceives the project as an accumulation of facts and ideas that can be presented just for their value as facts, just like piling up a mound of sand. If someone "takes away a cup of sand" through a comment or criticism, Pete sees that the rest of the mound still exists, the rest of the ideas are still there ( and by association, so is he !)

The solution ? Keep encouraging Joe,( his life has not been devastated !) and have him talk to Pete. Joe needs to see that Pete's comment was not a personal affront but a suggestion to help them both in the project. Continue to let Pete know that he is competent (God knows we need more competent people in the world !) and ask him to explain to Joe what he had in mind and how it might improve the project's appeal to those who view it. That way both will see that they had the same goal in mind, it just didn't look that way from where they stood !

Then give them both a hug !!

© Bernadette Homerski, all rights reserved