Thoughts from a Single Mother |
It was her first birthday. She was laying on the changing table, her eyes were sparkling, her smile so beautiful, her angelic face beaming, her hands reaching up at my hair and her perfect mouth and dimpled chin smiling at me while I was changing her diaper. I looked down at her, so sweet and innocent, so beautiful, a gift from heaven. I was filled with so much joy to have her here with me to celebrate her first birthday, especially after the very difficult pregnancy, but I began to cry. With my three year old playing in the same room, I wiped my tears and her little bottom. My tears were not tears of joy, but tears of sadness. It was approximately six months before that her father had walked out on us. I watched her laying there; her little hands reaching for me, and then to her diaper and back again, her face so bright, she was such a happy baby. But I couldn’t believe what had happened to us six short months ago. I was still reeling from the divorce. I just couldn’t understand how or why a parent would not just give his heart and soul to be present at the very first birthday of his beautiful child. It was like he didn’t care at all. I was so bewildered, I did not understand. But all I could do was think of the future. I thought to myself, that each one of her birthdays she will celebrate without her father and that made my heart sad, not so much because our marriage had ended but because her father didn’t give a dam and she deserved much much more.
That was four years ago. Today I had some of the same thoughts as I was registering her for Kindergarten. I was filled with joy (and disbelief at the same time that she’s grown so much so fast) watching her sitting there for her hearing test wearing the head phones, raising her hand as instructed and swinging her red patent leather shoes with white bobby socks on her little feet. My big girl. She’s so smart and so pretty and her daddy doesn’t give a dam. In fact he doesn’t even know that his baby is registering for kindergarten. She doesn’t really seem affected by it though because she has no memories of ever living with him. And when the subject of "Daddy comes up, she says, "We don’t have a daddy." I tell her, "Yes you do have a daddy, he just doesn’t come around."
We are planning her fifth birthday party now and my thoughts turn to future birthdays that she will celebrate without daddy. So far she seems unaffected. She is a happy, well adjusted, bright young girl (who fortunately has her Grandpa (wrapped around her little finger) as a positive male role model) and I know she will be just fine.
I suppose I never will understand how someone can fortunately be blessed twice with such lovely gifts and never give them a second thought.
