Weird Alert: Will We Ever Be Normal?

Stepfamily Life

By Dawn Miller

Last fall my stepdaughter sounded the “it might look weird if three people show up” alert about back to school night, the annual autumnal pilgrimage where adults squeeze themselves into tiny desks to hear canned presentations from their children’s teachers about the school year.

And she wasn’t the only one weirded out. I felt a little funny about going to parent-teacher night as a trio.

As a new stepmom with less than a month of marriage under my belt, I worried that his ex would see this as the first potshot in a war to dethrone her. I wondered how involved I should be with the kids. Should I transform myself into super-stepmom and throw myself into everything? Or would that just make everyone think this was even more weird?

After riding the stepmom-worry-roller-coaster for a little while I opted to stay home. And here’s what I discovered over the next few months. It turns out that feeling weird is part of how a stepfamily normally develops.

I shelved my super-stepmom aspirations and eased myself into activities with the kids gradually. By convenience I became the afterschool chauffeur ferrying kids to work on projects and collecting their friends to go to the movies. Their mom, dad and I all volunteered for a fundraiser together without any sparks or blow-ups.

When my stepson joined the swim team, we all attended his meets. My cocky stepson had his own cheering section and my stepdaughter surfed between the three of us for snack money. It’s not weird anymore for her to see three people there. She just sees the people who care.

It’s hard to get past our own feelings of not being like a “regular” family, but being in a blended family today is actually normal. One-third of Americans today are living life inside the stepfamily blender. What’s weird about our family is that we don’t fight a lot and try to get along.

When I told one of the girls I mentored through a 4-H leadership program about going to a school event for one of the kids with my husband and his ex – she said wow, I wish my mom and dad and stepmom could do that. She can’t invite all of them to anything – a child held hostage by an immature parental tug-of-war.

Ex-wife Debi Levenson and stepmom Monika Levenson landed on Good Morning America a few months ago to talk about burying the hatchet and forging a healthy relationship after years of feuding. It’s too bad so many stepfamilies can’t make achieving peaceful relationships a norm and not an exception.

As for my stepfamily, we’re still a little weird – but in a good way