When Toddlers Bite |
"Every time I go somewhere with my child, someone gets hurt. My child always bites another child. I repeat over and over again that biting hurts but again--a bite. I feel terrible and I think we have lost friends because of the biting," says Nathalie, mother of Guy, who is almost three.
"My child and I have stopped going to our local play groups because there's a little girl who always bites my daughter. I'm upset that the mother doesn't seem to be affected by her daughter's behavior. I'm sure there is something she should be doing.," says Chantal, mother of 29 month old, Arianne.
These incidents are common in any setting where young children are present. Although it's not acceptable, the problem is real for the biter, the child bitten and their parents. No one is born a biter. There are four possible explanations why a child may bite: lack of communication skills, aggression, seeking attention and teething. The parent must look at these reasons before trying to deal with the biting.
Being a toddler means a new phase in your child's development. Your child is now mobile and can go where he wants-- when he wants. When he's hungry, he'll search the pantry and say "Hungry." When he's sad, he'll climb into your arms for comfort. When he's excited, he'll get carried away, jump, or skip. The older he is the more words he'll be able to use to express himself.
Communication:
A child who is mad or frustrated, can groan or scream but emotions run high and verbal expression might not be so clear. The words won't come and out of desperation...a bite. When two young children are pulling at the same toy, or one child is playing with the other's toys, the child will not have the words to express "Can you lend me the toys?" " Can we play together?" or "Can we share?" If the child is expressing frustration, he must be taught the right way to deal with this. The parents and older siblings can demonstrate the right way to handle the situation, by using words. Don't be afraid to tell your child to use his words. Facial and bodily expressions are taking the easy way out. If your child doesn't know the words, teach them to him.
Aggression:
A child may bite another child without a reason. It might be a way of signaling aggression. Aggression is the action, and it causes pain. In no circumstances should the parent accept the biting. Biting hurts. The child must be told that. As the parent, NEVER bite a child who has bitten. Your reasoning might be to show the child the pain caused. In reality, you'll be sending your child the message that biting is okay when you want him to learn that it is not. If you really believe in this method, let the child bite his own finger; he will not want to--it's painful.
Attention:
A biter recognizes how to get attention. He might bite on purpose. The child isn't looking for positive or negative attention, he's looking for any attention. It reminds me of that old saying "I don't care if they talk good or bad about me; as long as they talk about me." To get attention, a child may bite another. Maybe the child isn't feeling right that day and needs an extra hug. Without the use of words, your child won't be able to express his desire. Take a few more minutes during the day to reassure the child. Sit down and read him a story. Spend a few more minutes while changing his diaper or just spend some time cuddling him. Try to met his emotional needs.
The parent should get down and be at the child's level. With one hand, hold the child's chin and look him straight in the eye. In a firm voice (don't shout) and with a disapproving expression (but don't scare the daylights out of him) tell him, "No biting. Biting Hurts." Then the parent should turn the attention to the child who was bitten.
Teething:
Some children's molars grow in around the second year and they have the need to chew more. If teething seems to be a motive for biting, the biting will be involuntary. Give your child a teether or a piece of hard food such as bagel, or carrot to nibble on.
Although it's unpleasant, biting is normal behavior for a toddler. The child must be aware that biting is not acceptable and you will help them in any way possibly.
© Marie-Helen Goyetche, all rights reserved
Heather Cook | June 15, 2008 at 11:57 am - §
We used to call my son Hannibal. He bit all the time... it was a very effective tool for him when he wanted attention and was mad. Not that it was right at all... I felt horrible every time I came to pick him up at day care and there was another "incident report". But for him, it was a way to express his anger. The fact that the teachers weren't stopping it ahead of time was what I was most irritated with. I'd say "look, you know he does this, keep an eye on him and tell me what is happening and why he's doing it!" I also stopped accepting the "Michael bit another kid for no reason." That was pure crap. There was a reason. They just had to be paying attention long enough to tell me what it was.
Isaura | October 15, 2008 at 11:33 am - §
My daughter has been bitten several times by other children while at daycare. I understand that toddlers who cant communicate will do this and have been understanding until now. Yesterday she received a bite from another "friend" in daycare on her back. It was an extremely bad bite, you can see all of the other child's teeth! I think that parents with children whom they've nicknamed Hannibal should be more proactive in stopping this behavior and not sending them to daycare to use the other children as chew toys! The Teachers/ECE's at daycare are not there to give your child the discipline or attention that you are obviously not giving them at home! The fact that you expect to have the teacher watch him constantly all day at the expense of that teachers time with the other children is ridiculous!
jml | October 27, 2008 at 7:59 pm - §
Isaura, you are not a helpful person, and I am glad you are not a parent at my daycare! Children go through phases good and bad. I don't think I tolerate biting because I don't, but you can't keep a child home just becaues they bite. Its called learning. I hope my child is being constantly watched a daycare- that is their job. I think you are being extremely unfair to the other mother, and no parent would intentionally want their child to bite another child. I am sure she is just as upset as you are. Thanks for being the helpful mother and offering suggestions to help with the issue! NICE parenting!!
vickie | November 7, 2008 at 5:52 am - §
It's very easy to judge this situation if you're fortunate enough (so far!) to have a toddler who doesn't bite! It's easy to think that other parents are doing something wrong if their child starts biting. Don't be so smug! you're little one could start biting regardless of how much love, attention and discipline you give - this judgemental attitude helps no one - least of all a child who is learning how to deal with their emotions - Surely to segregate the biter is to give up trying to teach them how to be a responsible, loving, caring member of society!
fannie dee | November 16, 2008 at 12:15 am - §
LSaura I agree with you a daycare cannot spend all their time looking after one child to ensure they don't bite. I think the parents need to spend more time teaching their kids not to bite. Let me ask all the parents of biters do you wait for them to stick their hands in a fire before you let them know it is bad? Then why are you reactive biting. Biters are biters because they have poor parents who only pay attention when something bad happens. How about the parents of biters take some accountability before sending a cannibal to daycare.?
Jd | November 29, 2008 at 1:00 pm - §
I can see this issue from both sides. My child has been bitten and has also bit another child. My sympathies go out to both sides as it is a stressful situation. However, it has absolutely nothing to do with poor parenting. Many things can contribute to why a child bites. We just recently had our daughter diagnosed with a lactose intolerance and her biting has subsided. Her biting was attributed to her pains in her stomach and intestine. Please take into consideration all factors before making a judgement about someone else's parenting. Parenting is a tough job.