Your Stepchild: This Summer - Your House

By Dawn Miller

I once knew a stepmom who lived in an exclusive adults-only community with her shiny perfect husband. Her stepchildren could not run and play outside when they visited. They slept in a room full of exercise equipment and lived out of suitcases when visiting their dad. She was so terrified their little toes would stain her carpet, she would lie down “towel paths” from room to room.

Can you imagine being a child in her house just overnight – much less for a week or two? Or a month?

Every summer thousands of children criss-cross town and country to see their mom or dad for a week, a month or the season. Here’s a few tips to help stepparents get ready for a great summer full of blessings, not a nightmare for both you and the kids.

(1) Don’t make the kid live out of a suitcase. Designate a bedroom or sleeping area for the visiting child. Tidy the space before their arrival. Specify a drawer, box or storage area for their clothing and/or toys. Clear space in the bathroom for a toothbrush or personal items.

Even if a child has to sleep on a sofa or pullout couch, make it fun. Wow! We get to have a slumber party in our family room every night! Do not act like the child is inconveniencing your household by sleeping in a living room, even if you have to climb over the couch every morning to get to your coffee pot.

(2) Get the adults on the same page. Discuss the visit openly with your spouse – and cover all the details – including fun activities, discipline, curfews and potentially sticky household differences. Plan time for the child to be one-on-one with the parent, and some family activities that include everyone. Don’t forget to figure some couple time into the mix for you and your spouse.

Talk about money, gifts and finances up front. A non-custodial parent carrying fear or guilt may compensate with lavish gifts, over-the-top attention or excessive vacations. It can almost make you feel like you’ve landed at Disney world 24-7. There’s nothing wrong with an occasional trip to the Magic Kingdom, but focus more on spending time with your children than providing them with a lot of stuff.

(3) Explain the “house rules” to all the kids. YBecause they don’t live with you year-round – household routines that you think are normal may seem strangely out-of-kilter to your stepchild. Sometimes the easiest way to handle this – rather than to single out one kid who probably already feels like the oddball out – is to have a family meeting where you review the “house rules” for everyone.

House rules might be as simple as – everyone puts his/her own plate in the dishwasher, no snacks outside the kitchen, laundry goes in the hamper in the bathroom, etc. Talk privately with the children who live in the house to encourage them to welcome the newcomer, and suggest activities they may enjoy together. Your children may not be wild about welcoming your stepchild, but insist on basic rules of politeness and that all of the kids be treated equally.

(4) Let kids be kids. While kids need structure, they should also be encouraged to develop, grow and have fun while on summer vacation. This can mean board game mania, sports teams, an afternoon at the beach, a trip to the library, or something fun.

Think about your stepchild's feelings. Being in an unfamiliar environment is not comfortable for most people. Help him/her feel at home, but don't push too hard. A family is not built in a summer, even with the most vigorous effort - it takes time, a lot of time.

Support your stepchild’s relationship with both parents. While you don’t want for time at your house to be overshadowed by the other parent, make sure the child knows that he/she can call his/her other parent if needed.

(5) Be consistent. Consistency among the adults in enforcing the house rules will be good for the stepchild and for the rest of the household. House rules that are consistently enforced can be a standard to guide the entire family, and prepare your children and stepchildren for homes of their own someday.

Consistency is especially important if more than one child lives in your house. The other children may quickly grow jealous if they perceive the visiting child as receiving exclusive privileges or gifts they are not privy to.

Dawn Miller writes a column on life in blended families at www.thestepfamilylife.com. Website links about stepfamilies, a free e-newsletter and bookstore are available.